what a day.

AH! Look outside.... the sun is blazing... beautiful blue skies... green leaves... warm air... summer is here! Welcome, oh welcome beautiful summer. I am so glad you have arrived. I promise to be a sunscreen carrying, fruit eating, bbq loving summer patron. 

 ♥

9 months...

My little Max has been enjoying heaven for a few days over nine months now. I find myself thinking today... what must it be like... how amazing the sights he must see...  my son walking with Jesus knowing nothing but joy and peace, never feeling pain or sorrow. 

Something about today, it resounds... the greatness of God. He's protected Max from all the things in this world that could have hurt him or broken him. While I would give anything to love him in my arms, God has got that taken care of and I'm here loving him in my heart. Max is knowing God deeper than I'll ever know him this side of heaven, and while i have my days of brokeness and confusion and hurt, God is doing so much more than I can see. He is truly weaving through Matty's and my life a cord of complete trust in our Saviour. 

I've spend a lot of time in the past couple weeks with God trying to letting the pain and the things that are weighing on my heart be worked out by the one who created my heart. I'm still so very much in the middle of that process, but one thing i've learned so far... nothing i've felt or experienced is out of His understanding or reach, no hurt to strong to scare Him away... He sits with me, talks with me... lets me say the things that i don't understand and He LOVES me. 

i love our Saviour. Jesus. Emmanuel. Holy Spirit... Father. He is so good. 

here's the thing.

the last week has been a rough one. i wake up in the mornings and feel the weight of the last year. I spend most of the day thinking about it. I think this is a week or so where i'm really beginning to process a lot of what's happened. grief is a funny thing... it comes in so many stages. I sat on the bathroom floor weeping the other night saying to God - i can't take this anymore  - i've had enough... i really just hit a wall. the most amazing thing to me about having this relationship with God is that i CAN say those things to Him... i can cry out... grieve... weep and He is there and i know that he is ever understanding and merciful... and every stage of this is under His strong arm... and even when i feel so far He is drawing me in close, tucking me under His wing. 

I just felt like i should write today and say... that no matter the feelings in your heart of grief or sorrow or the weight of your situation... God is ok with you expressing these things to Him... and the wrestling with Him, the questions, the unknown, He understands and is so merciful... so good... that He is walking all of it out with us. there is no instant fix... not always a reason or ryhme but there is grace... and peace that surpasses all understanding... that somehow shows up in the middle of a storm... 

today i feel like the disciples in the boat... there's this huge storm raging all around... waves crashing, thunder roaring... and Jesus is a little bit silent... sleeping... but i just keep thinking.... i can't forget that one word in His time will quiet the storm... quiet my heart... still my soul... and the word will come... 

x 

and i'm up

its true huh. joy comes in the morning... somehow... someway... (well... its God i know, but i don't understand how it happens)... 

spent a lot of time yesterday just listening. waiting. trying to calm my soul. then letting God do it. ha. amazing how just letting go of the hurt and letting Him take it brings rest. 

i woke up this morning and peace was so present - a beautiful harbour morning... the water calm... sky blue... and sun shining. i do realise that not every morning after a day of struggle is beautiful and blue... but this morning was. stunning. 

i just made a cup of coffee, and i thought on a bit of a random note i'd share that i am officially addicted to soymilk. now i realise that this is way behind the 8 ball compared to everyone else who seems to 

have tried it and hated or loved it but none the less decided on one or the other, but I was just taking my time choosing. I was hanging with my good friend Jo tuesday and her beautiful little girl Mia and we took to a coffee shop called "The Avenue" in Mosman... and i had a soy latte... and i reckon it was the best coffee i may have ever had in my life. I loved it so much Wednesday i made a trip across the bridge and enjoyed another... and Jo so generously gave (along with a heap of other things) a box of "bonsoy" (see photo =)  

...and i've been using it all week... its amazing. i'm in LOVE with it. apparently she says that its probably the best one... so i'm just sticking with it. i'm not quite soy adventurous enough to try another brand yet. 

 x x x x 

a song plays.

well, its been a while. 

there's lot of things that God is doing ... a lot of decisions we've been making and a lot of things happening that are still to fresh to share. God is true to his word and is restoring although some of these days  end up being so trying on my heart.

the song playing is recorded in the roughest way. garage band in my living room. put down 5 minutes after written. generally not a good idea to post these songs to the world. hear my heart in it... 

this journey has been raw and real the whole way through. this song was born a few minutes ago as i was sitting on the couch having a good cry... not understanding at all what God is doing right now... having no other option but to listen for the Holy Spirit... wait for His voice... and trust that he's here in my living room... speaking and comforting my broken and needy heart... strengthening me... and for the next few hours, just letting me rest in Him... 

Have my heart

Take my life

I will not live for myself 

For You my Lord

I give my life

Jesus Christ, where I am found

You now mend

And restore

My sight and sound fallen so far

Strength to stand 

In You alone

Ever you are in my heart 

Joy of the morning 

Lover of mercy 

You are the Strength of my heart

God of all freedom 

Consuming fire 

You are the Strength of my heart 

Poor and Needy 

at your table 

Provider, Sustaining Friend

I shall never lack in favor 

You are strong in everything 

Joy of the morning 

Lover of mercy 

You are the Strength of my heart

God of all freedom 

Consuming fire 

You are the Strength of my heart 

where to start.

wow. who knows where the road will go, who knows how long the path will be. 

its so easy to start a journey thinking that you know what it will look like... to a degree, maybe not the whole thing, but generally you think that you see what it will turn out like. i think that its partly what we want to see and what God has put in our hearts. the hard part it understanding that God has our lives planned, mapped, knows a word before we speak it, sees us sleeping and eating and working... every moment He knows. 

i think that today i'm remembering mostly that God is on our side. He is for us. He is for me. 

so matty and i are in the middle of trying for and waiting for our next bub. the road is certainly longer than we expected, though not that long in perspective. i know that others wait longer... it just feels long no matter how you look at it. my heart breaks for the people in our lives and everywhere that have been waiting years to fall pregnant for the first time or again... its such a painful journey. 

we're definitely in the middle of it still: right in the midst of it. 

we're making some steps toward some things that are in our hearts right now... so there's more on that to come soon. God is doing things in us, prompting us to put our hands to the things that we can do right now in the waiting room.... 

there's so many emotions involved in this. random days that feel sad and days that are great... and everything in between, but most importantly ... life is still happening all around us... we still have life to do, and do it well. 

this entry is a bit random i know... 

more to come... 

{Looking to the Future}

Sometimes when the present is seemingly overwhelming all we can do is look to the future. I'm still in this place where the days aren't very easy and understanding fully is so far from my head, where there's not answers, and trusting God costs my heart and yet there is peace that really does surpass all my understanding. I'm not really sure if its just the hurt in my heart burying down deep in these months and my heart really grieving the loss... or grieving it in a different way. Its crazy how life really does go on, and while everyone else has moved on i'm still in this place... to me it hasn't been that long since i held max in my arms and its been ages to everyone else. It sort of feels as though i've been singing a song over and over for months on end.... but i'm looking toward the future... because there is such a great hope... 

"See! The winter is past, the rains are over and gone. Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come, the cooing of doves is heard in our land. The fig tree forms its early fruit, the blossoming vines spread their fragrance. Arise, come my darling; my beautiful one, come with me. " Song of Songs 2:11-13

land of the free....

sitting in florida, home with family. 

good times. hot sun. great food. much needed. 

x

{the way home}

{HOME}

Pronunciation:

\ˈhōm\

Function:

noun

Etymology:

Middle English hom, from Old English hām village, home; akin to Old High German heimšeima family, servants, Sanskrit kṣema habitable, kṣeti he dwells, Greek ktizein to inhabit home, Lithuanian

Date:

before 12th century

1 a: one's place of residence : domicile b: house2: the social unit formed by a family living together3 a: a familiar or usual setting : congenial environment; also : the focus of one's domestic attention <home is where the heart is> b: habitat4 a: a place of origin ; also : one's own country b: headquarters 5: an establishment providing residence and care for people with special needs 6: the objective in various games; especially : home plate

— at home

1: relaxed and comfortable : at ease 2: in harmony with the surroundings3: on familiar ground :

I'm going home. Well, to my other home. Well, to be really specific, one of my 2 other homes. i guess i have three homes. sydney. florida. and the wait to be home with max. there's a LOT of excitement about going to florida. i can't wait to see my dad and mom, my brother and sister (inlaw) and hold and cuddle my neice and nephew. It has been a bit of a rollercoaster ride getting ready... just a tearing away of what it looked like in my heart months ago, the anticipation of taking our newborn max home with us during july and introducing him to our family... and now, clearly it looks different. Our dreams have been re-shaped... it doesn't look quite as i thought it might... and yet, home is still there, we are going, just minus one in our arms thats now in our hearts. its strange to feel such excitement about going to a place and at the very same time such a sadness that we are going with all three of us.

well... just some thoughts.

another thought. God's grace is so big, so great... there's grace for this very moment and the next.

and a verse.
Psalm 91:1
He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall remain stable and fixed under the shadow of the Almighty [Whose power no foe can withstand].

xx

quiet.

i have begged God. pleaded with Him for the things that are seemingly consuming my heart right now. i've sat before Him in quiet, i've come before him with a shout of praise... and yet most of these last months have been filled with a deafening silence.

not the kind that is empty, but silence that is full of Him and somehow leaves me knowing that He isn't speaking, His prescence in this season is rarely felt tangibly, but i know He's there. i just don't understand. it feels like he should answer me, answer my cries with a roaring thunder, or something... anything... but instead, this quiet. its so hard to describe, because he's so far and still so close. there are times so unexpected when i feel the fire of God in my mouth... the Spirit of God burning within my throat... and then times like today when everything in my is crying out... trying to figure out why he isn't answering my requests with something... anything... and... silence. i don't get it. to be completely honest, parts of me want to give up, to just run and hide somewhere, to close the shades and pull the covers over my head and hide in the darkness for weeks... months... BUT... something in my soul knows that God is speaking in the silence - and the passions so deep within that have tasted and seen that God is good are parched and crying out for this quiet God and anything of His prescence that comes is worth holding out for, waiting for... staying in the light for.

i've done nothing today... and i'm exhausted... my spirit is tired... and i'm warring against all the things in me telling me to give up and lie down and let depression set in... but my soul finds rest in God alone... {psalm 62:1}... my salvation is in Him. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.

from isaiah 40 - the message.

9-11Climb a high mountain, Zion.

You're the preacher of good news.

Raise your voice. Make it good and loud, Jerusalem.

You're the preacher of good news.

Speak loud and clear. Don't be timid!

Tell the cities of Judah,

"Look! Your God!"

Look at him! God, the Master, comes in power,

ready to go into action.

He is going to pay back his enemies

and reward those who have loved him.

Like a shepherd, he will care for his flock,

gathering the lambs in his arms,

Hugging them as he carries them,

leading the nursing ewes to good pasture.

The Creator of All You Can See or Imagine

12-17Who has scooped up the ocean

in his two hands,

or measured the sky between his thumb and little finger,

Who has put all the earth's dirt in one of his baskets,

weighed each mountain and hill?

Who could ever have told God what to do

or taught him his business?

What expert would he have gone to for advice,

what school would he attend to learn justice?

What god do you suppose might have taught him what he knows,

showed him how things work?

Why, the nations are but a drop in a bucket,

a mere smudge on a window.

Watch him sweep up the islands

like so much dust off the floor!

There aren't enough trees in Lebanon

nor enough animals in those vast forests

to furnish adequate fuel and offerings for his worship.

All the nations add up to simply nothing before him—

less than nothing is more like it. A minus.

18-20So who even comes close to being like God?

To whom or what can you compare him?

Some no-god idol? Ridiculous!

It's made in a workshop, cast in bronze,

Given a thin veneer of gold,

and draped with silver filigree.

Or, perhaps someone will select a fine wood—

olive wood, say—that won't rot,

Then hire a woodcarver to make a no-god,

giving special care to its base so it won't tip over!

21-24Have you not been paying attention?

Have you not been listening?

Haven't you heard these stories all your life?

Don't you understand the foundation of all things?

God sits high above the round ball of earth.

The people look like mere ants.

He stretches out the skies like a canvas—

yes, like a tent canvas to live under.

He ignores what all the princes say and do.

The rulers of the earth count for nothing.

Princes and rulers don't amount to much.

Like seeds barely rooted, just sprouted,

They shrivel when God blows on them.

Like flecks of chaff, they're gone with the wind.

25-26"So—who is like me?

Who holds a candle to me?" says The Holy.

Look at the night skies:

Who do you think made all this?

Who marches this army of stars out each night,

counts them off, calls each by name

—so magnificent! so powerful!—

and never overlooks a single one?

27-31Why would you ever complain, O Jacob,

or, whine, Israel, saying,

"God has lost track of me.

He doesn't care what happens to me"?

Don't you know anything? Haven't you been listening?

God doesn't come and go. God lasts.

He's Creator of all you can see or imagine.

He doesn't get tired out, doesn't pause to catch his breath.

And he knows everything, inside and out.

He energizes those who get tired,

gives fresh strength to dropouts.

For even young people tire and drop out,

young folk in their prime stumble and fall.

But those who wait upon God get fresh strength.

They spread their wings and soar like eagles,

They run and don't get tired,

they walk and don't lag behind.

garlic bread in my bag.

so here's a random story.

i was hanging out with one of my besties yesterday, and at her house she gave me garlic bread to bring back to my house for when i made dinner for all of us later that nite... well... i forgot about it. until this morning. and then i pulled it out... and on the way to drop it in the bin, i got distracted by getting a shower and it ended up on the sink while i got a shower....

thats just weird.

anyhow. on that note... there's something about friends... real ones... that know whats in your heart, that read into your circumstance and remember the things you think that it would be easier not to remember or think about. We're surrounded by them. Friends that remind us that our little max was really here, that he made an impact on not just us, but so many more. I am so beyond thankful for it...

i'm so thankful for friends.

that said... one of our closest friends made this amazing little video for me and it left me feeling so loved and blessed. so i thought i'd post it... and remind us all the importance of the people in our world... and the importance of friends. xoxo

(i think you have to click the tiny video at the bottom to get the music to play, then click the slide screen again if the song goes full screen)

reviewing . . .

Good evening all: just was reviewing some old and loved books today... and came across these two from C.S. Lewis ... enjoy xx 

----

"All that we call human history—money, poverty, ambition, war, prostitution, classes, empires, slavery—[is] the long terrible story of man trying to find something other than God which will make him happy." 

----

"The terrible thing, the almost impossible thing, is to hand over your whole self—all your wishes and precautions—to Christ."

----

- C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

---

in my heart.

there are so many things i know in my head so well that have yet to fully filter down in to my heart. its funny how some days reminds you of that. its not enough to just have knowledge... that only makes you a library... it must be written on our hearts. the word of God, it can't be just notes in a journal, lyrics or melodies in song, but it must be written on our very hearts. 

just a thought. 

::

today i'm enjoying amazingly hot weather in asia and missing my matty in sydney. going to be missing summer something fierce come tuesday... 

::

the calm of the next ...rest.

the amazing thing about having a morning thats hard one day... is knowing that God's mercies are new every morning. have all of my problems been solved or prayers been answered?? no... not yet anyways... BUT... this morning i woke up (ahem... well... i'll just take a side bar and go into a bit more detail... i woke up around now because matty unplugged my phone last night to plug in the heater, i didn't know, my phone died, no alarm, missed a date i had with a friend this morning...and now my phone isn't working for some reason... side bar finished) so ... this morning i woke up late, and just felt peace. even in the middle of all that (waking up late etc etc) Not sad about max, anxious about anything... just peace. i actually slept most of the night, and, felt like i had. i opened up my bible and read this verse:: psalm 62:1 :: my soul finds rest in God alone; He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress and i will never be shaken. 62:6-8:: (he repeats) Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him, He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress , i will not be shaken. my salvation and my honor depend on God; He is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in HIM at all times, o people; pour out your hearts to him for God is our refuge."

so here's to a day of resting in God. soul, spirit and all. 

{ the silence of the morning }

i woke up this morning to silence. after a night of tossing and turning crying out that God would answer these longings... these aches in my heart... here i am again in silence. its not that i think God isn't listen, isn't hurting with my hurt... maybe thats what makes it harder. i started reading in psalms... chapter 69, and this is what i found david saying:

 'Save me oh God, for the waters have come up to my neck. I sink in the miry depths where there is no foothold. i have come into the deep waters; the floods engulf me. I am worn out calling for help, my throat is parched. My eyes fail, looking for my God...but i pray to you O Lord, in the time of your favor; in Your great love, l God, answer me with your sure salvation. Rescue me from the mire, do not let me sink; deliver me from those who hate me, from the deep waters. Do not let the floodwaters engulf me or the depths swallow me up or the pit close its mouth over me. Answer me o Lord out of the goodness of your love; in your great mercy turn to me. Do not hide your face from your servant; answer me quickly, for i am in trouble. Come near and rescue me; redeem me because of my foes.... i am in pain and distress; may your salvation o God protect me. I will praise God's name in song and glorify him with thanksgiving. This will please the Lord more than an ox, more than a bull with its horns and hoofs. The poor will see and be glad - you who seek God may your hearts LIVE! The Lord hears the needy and does not depise his captive people. Let heaven and earth praise Him, the seas and all that move in them, for God will save Zion and rebuild the cities of Judah. Then the people will settle there and possess it; the children of his servants will inherit it, and those who love His name will dwell there.' 

something about reading a 'man after God's own heart' say that his throat has become parched from calling out for help makes my heart rest. its ok. its ok that i feel like i'm calling and not hearing. in my Spirit i know that this silence is all a part of something God is outworking in my heart that is cultivating and shaping faithfulness, trust ,perserverence and host of other things. i know that it is more than worth it. i know that time passes so much more quickly in retrospect... but in this very moment anger wants to rise up and scream out THIS ISN"T RIGHT... Max should be here with us... i'm crying out with all of me begging, pleading with God to give us another baby... and silence... BUT... i know that God is good. Therefore... i will be the silencer of anger and bitterness and i will praise God's name in song and glorify Him with thanksgiving; and as heaven and earth praise Him i will be praising along with Max our great God who is in heaven... who max is seeing face to face... and who i have yet too. and another day will pass and i WILL see the goodness of God today. 

...beautiful story...

i've been reading a blog lately which has been unexplainably comforting... hope giving... beautiful. 

its amazing how God can use stories from all across the world to bring hope and life. This is His church isn't it. All as one, building His kingdom and strengthening the hearts of His people, sometimes through His people. 

Amazing. 

so to you who watch:: may her story do the same for you:: as i'm sure it will x

her blog::

http://conorbootheandgirls.blogspot.com

the video::

{holding together}

this verse from colossians has always been one that shut my mouth and opened up my spirit. then i read it again this morning and something broke in me. i read this verse... For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together... and i couldn't help but be floored by the thought, the vision of God creating, knitting together, forming my little max... while he was invisible in my belly, then visible to our eyes, and then gone to glory... completely created for Him, the Glory of God. and HE is before all things, before the creation of Max, and in Him alone everything holds together... my life. my heart. our lives. our hearts. everything. He is holding us and He is holding us together. Reminded again that He is good and strong and we're going to be ok. 

=the whole verse=

Colossians 1:15-20

He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. And he is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have the supremacy. For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross.

[ journal ] march 3. 2008

There are all these things that God was stirring in me, in my heart right after max died. There are things that i don't understand how i was writing out ... truths about God that somehow seemed so much more real than ever before at a time when it seems they would be so much harder to believe. It only makes it so clear to me that in the times when it seems we are being so strong, truly we are weak and the strength of God is fully at hand. Our survival of these dark times is not based on our own adequacy but on the strength and grace of God. The more that i focus on His ability to save... restore.. the more that i can see his strength and restoration... 

The purpose of this blog is never to show how strong i seem... but only the grace of God which gives unexplainable strength... not always a pretty journey... but a real one... 

from my journal march 3 08. the day of max's funeral.

Today was a day i think you never imagine living through and that you never imagine how you would live through, but here we are on the backside of the day we laid our precious Max to rest and in the midst of such incredible pain and of a broken heart there is peace. The mender of hearts is at work and the presence of God is truly like a warm blanket. I can't believe i can breathe, but somehow each breath goes in and out the way it should, and moment by moment life moves on. 

Its so strange to all of the sudden feel this emptiness in my body - to feel one day completely inhabited by another and then the next feel so empty. Its an emptiness impossible to describe unless at one point you've felt its fullness. 

I know that right now, God, you are working amazing things out in my heart - stirring up things i never knew existed and strengthening my heart and my hands for the things ahead. There is such a drive and determination and passion  in me as never before to run this race and seek your heart and your face. And i believe that surely goodness and mercy will follow matty and i all the days of our lives. God i call our family blessed and i call the generations blessed that follow us. We are a family of life and abundance and this fire has refined and is refining us. The enemy is under our feet and is crushed beneath our heels and he will not have a foothold in any area or place in our lives. i declare and speak our marriage blessed. i thank you God that there is love deeper and stronger than ever conceived. I thankyou God that matty is prosporous and blessed at work - that everything that he puts his hands to is blessed. Thank you God that his memory is strong and wisdom exceeding - that he is integerous and honoured. Thank you God for our children to come, that they are healthy and strong. Thank you God that you see them now and they are blessed and healthy. Thank you that conception is going to be perfect and successful and joyful. You are wonderful God - your works are wonderful and i know that full well. You are our strength and our salvation and we praise you God. Surely the righteous will not be shaken - In our weakness God you are strong. and though my heart and my flesh may fail you are the strength of my heart. Thank you God for my beautiful son max. Thank you God that he was knit so perfectly together - that you formed his every part - from the tiny fingers i held and the little nose i kissed. What a perfect and beautiful creation my God. thank you that there are so many more to come.  - 

some days.

Some days just turn out differently than you expect. Some days are still hard for us. 

there are still days that i wake up and feel the vacancy of our house. a room that should have a baby sleeping in it. a body that looks like a baby has come and gone and still there isn't one here. a heart that aches for him. you never know when these days will come. the week could have been amazing... the night before great... and all the sudden the grief comes like a ton of bricks. 

i honestly don't know what i would do with out Jesus. i don't know how people survive. i heard a pastor speak in a message once about the world saying our faith is just a crutch. he went on to say that he never met a man with a broken leg who wouldn't want a crutch to get around, and how we are all broken people... in need of a crutch... well, you get the idea. 

these days when the grief is hardly bearable the only thing i know to do is cry out to God and search out His word... rely on the comfort of the Holy Spirit and rest in Him. so here are some of the scriptures of my today... 

Psalm 61. 1-5

Hear my cry, O God. 

Listen to my prayer. 

From the ends of the earth i call to you

i call as my heart grows faint; 

lead me to the rock that is higher than i. 

For you have been my refuge

a strong tower against the foe.

I long to dwell in your tent forever 

and take refuge in the shelter of your wings.

for you have heard my vows o God

You have given me the heritage of those who fear your name.

Psalm 84. 11-12

For the Lord God is a sun and shield; 

the Lord bestows honour and favour;

no good thing does He withhold

from those whose walk is blameless.

O Lord almighty, blessed is the man who trusts in You.

Psalm 86. 1-16a

Hear o Lord and answer me,

for i am poor and needy

guard my life for i am devoted to you

You are my God; save your servant

who trusts you.

Have mercy on me oh Lord

for i call to you all day long. 

Bring joy to your servant 

for to you oh Lord i life up my soul. 

Among the Gods there is no one like you o Lord. 

No deeds can compare with yours.

All the nations you have made will come and worship before you oh Lord

they will bring glory to your name.

for you are great and do marvelous deeds

you alone are God.

Teach me your way o Lord

and i will walk in your truth; 

give me an undivided heart that i may fear your name

i will praise you, o Lord my God with all my heart; 

i will glorify your name forever. 

For great is your love toward me; 

you have delivered me from the depths of the grave. 

the arrogant (the enemy) is attacking me o God; 

a band of ruthless men seeks my life - 

men without regard for you.

but you O Lord are a compassionate and gracious God

slow to anger abounding in love and faithfulness.

Turn to me oh God and have mercy on me; grant your strength to your servant... 

I don't understand. i don't understand why we are walking through this or why it had to be us on this journey... but i do understand that God is SO much bigger than all of it.. and there is unexplainable comfort... unexplainable joy... and Love felt like i've never known in all my life in the midst of it. and somehow i can say, i can believe and i can absolutely know with everything in my heart soul and spirit that God is good. and he has rescued me... is rescuing and restoring even now as my heart feels broken and i write. 

God is good.

my love <3

I'm sitting on the couch next to my bebe. Matthew James McCloghry. Stealth. Matty. Matt. whichever form of the name you shall choose to use. 

its him that i love. so here's a thought on love.

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.


--St. Augustine

i'm glad my roots are entwined with his. <3