{ the silence of the morning }

i woke up this morning to silence. after a night of tossing and turning crying out that God would answer these longings... these aches in my heart... here i am again in silence. its not that i think God isn't listen, isn't hurting with my hurt... maybe thats what makes it harder. i started reading in psalms... chapter 69, and this is what i found david saying:

 'Save me oh God, for the waters have come up to my neck. I sink in the miry depths where there is no foothold. i have come into the deep waters; the floods engulf me. I am worn out calling for help, my throat is parched. My eyes fail, looking for my God...but i pray to you O Lord, in the time of your favor; in Your great love, l God, answer me with your sure salvation. Rescue me from the mire, do not let me sink; deliver me from those who hate me, from the deep waters. Do not let the floodwaters engulf me or the depths swallow me up or the pit close its mouth over me. Answer me o Lord out of the goodness of your love; in your great mercy turn to me. Do not hide your face from your servant; answer me quickly, for i am in trouble. Come near and rescue me; redeem me because of my foes.... i am in pain and distress; may your salvation o God protect me. I will praise God's name in song and glorify him with thanksgiving. This will please the Lord more than an ox, more than a bull with its horns and hoofs. The poor will see and be glad - you who seek God may your hearts LIVE! The Lord hears the needy and does not depise his captive people. Let heaven and earth praise Him, the seas and all that move in them, for God will save Zion and rebuild the cities of Judah. Then the people will settle there and possess it; the children of his servants will inherit it, and those who love His name will dwell there.' 

something about reading a 'man after God's own heart' say that his throat has become parched from calling out for help makes my heart rest. its ok. its ok that i feel like i'm calling and not hearing. in my Spirit i know that this silence is all a part of something God is outworking in my heart that is cultivating and shaping faithfulness, trust ,perserverence and host of other things. i know that it is more than worth it. i know that time passes so much more quickly in retrospect... but in this very moment anger wants to rise up and scream out THIS ISN"T RIGHT... Max should be here with us... i'm crying out with all of me begging, pleading with God to give us another baby... and silence... BUT... i know that God is good. Therefore... i will be the silencer of anger and bitterness and i will praise God's name in song and glorify Him with thanksgiving; and as heaven and earth praise Him i will be praising along with Max our great God who is in heaven... who max is seeing face to face... and who i have yet too. and another day will pass and i WILL see the goodness of God today.