what a week.
all i can say at this point is that an amazing worship cd will get you through times of joy and times of brokeness and if you're looking for one try this one:::
i can't turn it off... or even down...
phew.... LOVING IT.
she sings to my soul. the Spirit of God was so present and full as this blasted thru my house.
i've been soaking up the Nov 2009 album, some favorites::: Beautiful Mercy & There's a Gap.
hope you enjoy xx
Friday, March 5, 2010
I couldn't have imagined what it would feel like to wake up Saturday morning and realise that it somehow had been 2 years since Max and come & gone. I was so angry. Angry that it happened, angry that it has been 2 years and we are still waiting to see two lines on a pregnancy test, angry that life seemed to move on like nothing ever happened for everyone else ... and yet we still feel this huge hole. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel like this every day. In fact, these days...most days, I feel completly normal. I have an amazing life, amazing husband, beautiful baby girl and much more & I think about Max every day... but usually its not so painful... its a beautiful happy memory... so I suppose I was a little suprised to feel this way.
Here's the thing though...
Something in me knew that I couldn't stay in bed all day. As much as I wanted to recluse... I knew, with everything in me, that I needed to get up and face the day.
And we did.
We spent the day in Palm Beach, NSW (about an hour from our house), on the beach, with a picnic/my brother and sister in law/our haylee and a big bunch of blue balloons to celebrate Max::: then that night we went to dinner at a beautiful restaurant by the Opera House and let our balloons rise to the sky as matty whispered a little "happy birthday Maxy"... and it was beautiful.
It was a beautiful day : to remember a beautiful boy : who changed our lives forever.
The more the day went on, the more I realised how much Max is a part of my life. I realised that the person that I have become is so much in part to what happened when Max was born, and what happened when he died. Living that day and seeing the things we saw and the way we wept isn't easy... but the fact that we are more in love, that we love God more than I could have ever imagined, and that our capacity as people and servants in the kingdom is so much greater/different makes me see that somehow its a beautiful thing. I would do anything to have a little two year old boy called Max playing with his trucks on the floor as I blog... but at the same time, I wouldn't change anything about the last two years because somehow the place God has brought us to makes it all worth it. Like the Word says... HIS LOVE is BETTER than life. ::: I know this verse so differently now. And He always reminds me of his loving-kindness... and faithfulness. He is our Sustainer... Comforter... closest Friend.
:that its ok for moments/days/trials to get to you...
:its ok to deal with the emotions that we naturally have...
:its ok to suprise yourself...
:its not ok to wallow in a pool of self-pity because you throw chains all over yourself and miss the ability God has to make all things beautiful...
:that God is in EVERYTHING::but if you shut off, there's a good chance you'll miss Him and accuse Him of being absent...
This blog has always been about being open about where I am with this whole loss/life/moving on thing... so i hope that its serving its purpose... i'm just on a journey... and i know its heaven focused ... and the Holy Spirit has a lot to teach me still on the walk... but i'm gonna keep walking:::
thats all for now x x x x