Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Friday, July 25, 2008
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Monday, July 21, 2008
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Friday, July 18, 2008
"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one. Wrap it around carefully with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket of your selfishness. But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, and irredeemable. The only place outside heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers of love is Hell." - C.S. Lewis The Four Loves
Thursday, July 17, 2008
This morning i woke up and made a coffee... latte to be exact. whole milk... strong espresso. made on the coffee machine that matty bought me for my birthday. ... and its good. nice and hot. no sugar. ahhhhh.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
some how i know deep within me that while every part of me aches to have another child... at least to be pregnant... to feel a child growing within me... that God has planned and purposed the exact timing of our next baby. We haven't missed out, fallen behind or lost our dreams. We've just been redirected, placed on a different path than we planned to be on. Whilst the pain of being torn from one place and put in another is still so real... the mending is gentle and the arms of God are strong and sufficient. i can't imagine walking this without God. Everyday i feel the Holy Spirit calling me to get up out of bed, reminding me that i'm going to survive this... to put one foot in front of the other and walk. Thats what doing a journey like this takes... every day choosing to get up out of bed and walk... to put one foot in front of the other and move forward. I've learned that we plan and purpose in our hearts and i believe with everything in me that that is healthy and right, but we have to remember that the Lord orders our steps. While we are planning and purposing the dreams within us, are we remembering that above those dreams God is sovereign. There may be bumps in the road... unjust ones or places we end up that seem in the very fullest sense of the word wrong.... but God is able... He is able to make that which is so wrong, right again. He is able to turn our tragedy into beauty. He truly gives beauty for ashes.
What is our choice? Do we let tragedy hit us and keep us down? Do we sit under the burden of sadness? Or do we let the Hope of salvation renew us again. WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS TRAGEDY IF WE CAN'T LET GOD DO SOMETHING GOOD WITH IT??? I have to ask myself daily... do i know who's attack this was? Satan has come to steal, kill and destroy. This was his plan all along. The tragedy, his doing. Death was never meant for us, it was never in the plan until the enemy came and decieved. So, Do i let him decieve me now? or do i call him out for the liar that he is and stand in the promise of God for Life. Sometimes i want to slap myself in the head and let the truth ring out that Jesus came that we would have LIFE to the fullest. If anything else but that come about I KNOW WHO SENT IT!! so...
i choose to:
>not let the enemy steal my joy any longer
>to say aloud that no weapon formed against me will prosper
>to believe that goodness and mercy are following me and my family all the days of our lives
>walk in truth every day... calling the enemy a liar and Jesus my Lord
>let God turn this tragedy into His triumph.
I want to scream at the top of my lungs - HE IS LORD.... HE HAS THE VICTORY... DEATH WHERE IS YOUR VICTORY - WHERE IS YOUR STING??? - GOD SHOW YOUR POWER AND GLORY IN THIS....
actually... some days i do scream it. Some days i scream... why us? why the first child? why can't You just fix this? Some days the most painful part of knowing the power of God is knowing that He in His might, could have fixed this in one moment... but He chose not too.
There is such a balance in this process of knowing that it is ok to question God... to not understand... to feel angry... and on the other side of that to trust Him enough to rest in his sovereignty and know that he loves me more than and love I've ever known. To know that He knows my pain and carries it with me... and to reverence Him and His power and trust that what He does is right and just and good. AHHH! i'm still working it out.
this rollercoaster... waking up... crying... worshipping and trusting... crying... feeling ok... trusting... crying... being angry... being thankful... missing max... crying... sadness... unexplainable joy.... it is absolutely what it looks... a complete rollercoaster. But in this journey up and down and around again, i see the work of God. Showing me his beauty in the most unexpected of ways.
Yesterday, there was a knock at the door, and the delivery of the most beautiful flowers... roses surrounded by flowers i had never even seen before... the smell absolutely divine... and a little note attached... "we love you" ... from two of our best friends... who while thousands of miles away had so thoughtfully and lovingly remembered that the week was max's due date. These are the things that make my heart melt. The ways God reminds me that he has surrounded me with more love than i could have ever asked for. the best of friends. People that in the middle of their own busy lives know what pain our hearts feel and do something to show their love. i'm so thankful.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
i wrote this not long ago in the middle of the night when i couldn't sleep. in my sleeplessness God was working things out in me while i was writing. He does that ...
"its crazy. some days i can't move. some days i feel like my knees
are going to collapse under me. i lay on my face and plead with God
to give us another baby. i totally can see hannah praying in the
temple... looking drunk because of her pain. i know that feeling. i
just never knew what grief like this felt like. i feel like my heart
was ripped in two and God is literally sewing me back together. but
somewhere in the background there's always this constant grace...
peace that i know is trying to burst through in full force if i'll
let it... the calm of God... him saying that its going to be ok...
that His timing is perfect. its a rollercoaster. i'm distressed
completely one minute then the next God has quieted my soul. i feel
like i'm sitting in his lap coming apart. and he's holding me
Monday, July 14, 2008
I had the first of the mccloghry offspring... Max Kingston McCloghry. On February 27. He was amazing... perfect... little toes and fingers... all put together... woven & spun by the master creator. He just came early. I was only 23 weeks and 5 days pregnant, which is basically 6 months in translated prego lingo, and i went into labour on tuesday really late , i guess really wednesday morning sometime around 1 or 2 am, only i didn’t know i was going into labour so i toughed it out all night thinking it was what they call braxton hicks which are like practice contractions... but they weren’t. i even got up the next morning and went to work, caught the ferry, actually, ran for the ferry because i was running late... i called the midwife and she said just come in just in case, even though she thought it was braxton hicks too. so i caught a ferry back home. got home and realized it was getting really painful... called matty, who called me a cab because he was to far and it would have taken him longer to get home... and i realised it was getting REALLY painful and called and ambulance who arrive in what seemed like and eternity and carried me down the 2 flights of stairs in our apt building and drove me to my hospital which thank God happened to be the closest. they wheeled me straight into labour and delivery where the doctor said the baby was breech (which means he was butt first and not head first - their supposed to be head first) and she said i was 9 cm dialated... you dialate to 10 before having the baby... and i had the baby with in 20 minutes of getting to the hospital. Max was 720gms and 30cm long... ie... almost 1 !/4 lbs and about a foot long.
He was beautiful. As soon as he was born the doctors inflated his lungs and got him stable and let us say hello and then whisked him off to the neonatel ICU. I recovered for as short of time as possible and went over straight away with matty to see him.
He basically was perfectly healthy and growing well in the womb and for some reason just came early. We’re not even sure medically if there’s a reason. We spent from 1205pm midday on the 27 of Feb with him until that night at 1025pm when he went to be with Jesus. We were sitting there and and held him for 2 hours or so while he was still breathing just staring at him and adoring him and the nurse told us there was nothing else they could do, and asked if we wanted to hold him and have her take out his life support and we decided thats what we would do... So i held him and matty held me while my little max took his last breath in our arms.
i’m not sure if there’s any feeling worse than that.
There’s a few things that i know though. I know that God is on the throne. That Jesus is reigning and Ruling and the Holy Spirit is our comfort. I know that GOd is bigger than max’s lungs being to little to breath correctly because He made every bit of his little body. I know that God had/has the power to heal rescue and save. I know that I would rather have what He chooses than anything else. I know that the enemy must restore what he’s taken. I know that God is holding my little max and he’s raised by angels and walking with Jesus and matty and i will see him again and hold him one day. and i know that just as God could have healed Max, little maxy is healed to perfection now walking in heaven in his glorious new little body and God is healing and rescuing me and matty. i know i love God more than ever before, and i trust Him more than ever before and i know that i love my amazing and strong husband more than i knew i could love and person in the world and i love him deeper. and i know there’s many more little bubs to come to our family, and we’ll tell them all about Max and Jesus and Glory.
We believe that what the enemy has intended to break and destroy us and our hearts, God is going to use for good. We believe that our hearts are truly secure and not shaken because we believe in a Holy God who we KNOW loves us. Death was defeated at the cross of Christ and there is Hope beyond what this world sees as the end. This isn’t the end for us, just a road bump until we see our little boy again.
Pray for us because this is a crazy hard time, and we’re just working through it day by day... pray that we’ll have strength and courage to walk back into what life consists of... work and "normal" things that won’t ever be like they were before this...Pray that we will be encouraged and always looking to the Hope that called us before time began.