Monday, July 21, 2008

some days.

Some days just turn out differently than you expect. Some days are still hard for us. 

there are still days that i wake up and feel the vacancy of our house. a room that should have a baby sleeping in it. a body that looks like a baby has come and gone and still there isn't one here. a heart that aches for him. you never know when these days will come. the week could have been amazing... the night before great... and all the sudden the grief comes like a ton of bricks. 

i honestly don't know what i would do with out Jesus. i don't know how people survive. i heard a pastor speak in a message once about the world saying our faith is just a crutch. he went on to say that he never met a man with a broken leg who wouldn't want a crutch to get around, and how we are all broken people... in need of a crutch... well, you get the idea. 

these days when the grief is hardly bearable the only thing i know to do is cry out to God and search out His word... rely on the comfort of the Holy Spirit and rest in Him. so here are some of the scriptures of my today... 

Psalm 61. 1-5

Hear my cry, O God. 
Listen to my prayer. 
From the ends of the earth i call to you
i call as my heart grows faint; 
lead me to the rock that is higher than i. 
For you have been my refuge
a strong tower against the foe.
I long to dwell in your tent forever 
and take refuge in the shelter of your wings.
for you have heard my vows o God
You have given me the heritage of those who fear your name.

Psalm 84. 11-12

For the Lord God is a sun and shield; 
the Lord bestows honour and favour;
no good thing does He withhold
from those whose walk is blameless.
O Lord almighty, blessed is the man who trusts in You.

Psalm 86. 1-16a

Hear o Lord and answer me,
for i am poor and needy
guard my life for i am devoted to you
You are my God; save your servant
who trusts you.
Have mercy on me oh Lord
for i call to you all day long. 
Bring joy to your servant 
for to you oh Lord i life up my soul. 

Among the Gods there is no one like you o Lord. 
No deeds can compare with yours.
All the nations you have made will come and worship before you oh Lord
they will bring glory to your name.
for you are great and do marvelous deeds
you alone are God.
Teach me your way o Lord
and i will walk in your truth; 
give me an undivided heart that i may fear your name
i will praise you, o Lord my God with all my heart; 
i will glorify your name forever. 
For great is your love toward me; 
you have delivered me from the depths of the grave. 
the arrogant (the enemy) is attacking me o God; 
a band of ruthless men seeks my life - 
men without regard for you.
but you O Lord are a compassionate and gracious God
slow to anger abounding in love and faithfulness.
Turn to me oh God and have mercy on me; grant your strength to your servant... 

I don't understand. i don't understand why we are walking through this or why it had to be us on this journey... but i do understand that God is SO much bigger than all of it.. and there is unexplainable comfort... unexplainable joy... and Love felt like i've never known in all my life in the midst of it. and somehow i can say, i can believe and i can absolutely know with everything in my heart soul and spirit that God is good. and he has rescued me... is rescuing and restoring even now as my heart feels broken and i write. 

God is good.


Tracy Wilde said...

hey jill! i just saw you had a blog...i love it! this post is so real to me.. i relied so heavily on the word as well..especially the psalms. psalm 40 and 13 were my mantra. the psalmist has become so endearing to me through my own journey. i love that david has choice words with the lord but then always has some sort of epiphany and realizes that God has brought him through and out of his pit before...thus he'll do it again.

i pray the same prayer for you and matt as i've prayed so earnestly for the purpose in the pain and let the story bring hope to a world.

love you dearly...

Breanne Blanchard said...

God has shown me this blog at just the perfect time. I started at the very beginning and I cannot even tell you how much comfort, hope and peace your posts are already bringing to me. I just lost my 4 day old son 2 weeks ago. I had remembered hearing your story during the Desert Song interview and never once I thought I would feel that same pain someday or even relate with what you were going through. Now, it's all so real. Thank you for starting this blog...I feel like I am living every post you wrote about your sweet little Max. Same emotional roller's comforting knowing that someone else has felt the same things I am feeling and they survived cuz somedays the pain just feels unbearable. Thank you for the scriptures and sharing your real, raw emotions. I couldn't have found this at a better time...