Friday, March 5, 2010

{ happy 2nd birthday baby boy }


I couldn't have imagined what it would feel like to wake up Saturday morning and realise that it somehow had been 2 years since Max and come & gone. I was so angry. Angry that it happened, angry that it has been 2 years and we are still waiting to see two lines on a pregnancy test, angry that life seemed to move on like nothing ever happened for everyone else ... and yet we still feel this huge hole. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel like this every day. In fact, these days...most days, I feel completly normal. I have an amazing life, amazing husband, beautiful baby girl and much more & I think about Max every day... but usually its not so painful... its a beautiful happy memory... so I suppose I was a little suprised to feel this way.

Here's the thing though...

Something in me knew that I couldn't stay in bed all day. As much as I wanted to recluse... I knew, with everything in me, that I needed to get up and face the day.

And we did.

We spent the day in Palm Beach, NSW (about an hour from our house), on the beach, with a picnic/my brother and sister in law/our haylee and a big bunch of blue balloons to celebrate Max::: then that night we went to dinner at a beautiful restaurant by the Opera House and let our balloons rise to the sky as matty whispered a little "happy birthday Maxy"... and it was beautiful.

It was a beautiful day : to remember a beautiful boy : who changed our lives forever.

The more the day went on, the more I realised how much Max is a part of my life. I realised that the person that I have become is so much in part to what happened when Max was born, and what happened when he died. Living that day and seeing the things we saw and the way we wept isn't easy... but the fact that we are more in love, that we love God more than I could have ever imagined, and that our capacity as people and servants in the kingdom is so much greater/different makes me see that somehow its a beautiful thing. I would do anything to have a little two year old boy called Max playing with his trucks on the floor as I blog... but at the same time, I wouldn't change anything about the last two years because somehow the place God has brought us to makes it all worth it. Like the Word says... HIS LOVE is BETTER than life. ::: I know this verse so differently now. And He always reminds me of his loving-kindness... and faithfulness. He is our Sustainer... Comforter... closest Friend.

SO.

I learned...

:that its ok for moments/days/trials to get to you...
:its ok to deal with the emotions that we naturally have...
:its ok to suprise yourself...
:its not ok to wallow in a pool of self-pity because you throw chains all over yourself and miss the ability God has to make all things beautiful...
:that God is in EVERYTHING::but if you shut off, there's a good chance you'll miss Him and accuse Him of being absent...

This blog has always been about being open about where I am with this whole loss/life/moving on thing... so i hope that its serving its purpose... i'm just on a journey... and i know its heaven focused ... and the Holy Spirit has a lot to teach me still on the walk... but i'm gonna keep walking:::

thats all for now x x x x
jilly

23 comments:

Raeann said...

God has truly blessed you, Jill, with amazing talent and a beautiful family. Thank you so much for being real, for allowing us into your life so that we can lift each other up and pray for each others' needs. :)

--Raeann

Jo Gower said...

Jill... thank you so much for sharing that. It's been 3 months since your last blog and I have been looking every week, hoping that you've written something. Your blogs are so raw and real and such an incredible encouragement to me. Please, please, please keep writing... regularly. I'm praying that God will bless you and your husband with those two blue lines this year. Blessings, Jo xx

jen smith said...

i've said it before and i'll say it again, this story blesses me daily. it is not about me, near me, or even close to me, but i am so encouraged that you have been able to pick up and grow from this.
i love you to bits, jilly.

Sophie Whittaker said...

This post has Romans 8:28 written all over it... God is faithful isn't he...
Thanks for being transparent and honest; we're all on a journey and I love it when other people are open about it.
Beautiful to read how you spent the day. I'm glad you got out of bed, because the pictures gave me goosebumps so I'm sure the day was very very special, despite the difficult emotions.
His love IS better than life, better than anything, amazing..

Karen Alarcón said...

Jill

Thank you for your blog . It is a blessing for me and an encouragement to get me through these difficult days.

Thank you for giving us your life Jesus!!! You are truly our God...

Blessings!!!

{{F O U N D F R E E I N H I M}} said...

i live in ames, iowa..your story,life, and what god has brought you through brings me an overwhelming amount of comfort and encouragement. i started following your blog after purchasing the hillsong dvd, "this is our god" while in the midst of a trial that i didnt think i would ever have victory in. you are an incredible woman of the lord and are bringing so much encouragement to a 20 year old in the middle of america.

~Thoughts from the heart~ said...

Jill, you probably don´t know half of the people that read your blogs or follow you on twitter, but we all know who you are and the amazing woman you have become. I just want you to know that you are such an inspiration to me and reading about your journey over the last couple of years has made me realize so much more how good our God is and that He is indeed capable of restoring the most shattered of hearts and take away the deepest of pains.

You are loved!!!!

Larissa Pereira said...

God is gonna chaging your view of point of your life EVERY NEW DAY Jill! Since when I knew about you, I've started to pray to God give you strength and knowledege to understand His will in that time and to read this post is see that He has done just as He promissed! He'll give you a baby soon, BELIEVE! Xoxo Ls2

Sergio said...

Jill Thanks for the comment.

I believe God is using you during the last years to show his greatness to lots of people. I know how you feel some days, but you should be proud of passing probably the most important and painful test that you will have to face in your life. Believe me when I say to you that God has an AMAZING place waiting for you in the Heaven and you should be just happy for that (because that's never ending). And I hope you are not just rewarded above but also here. Just keep in mind during the though times that although some things we will never understand, God Is No Man's Debtor.

Keep your faith and your hope because that is just beautiful.

Katy said...

Jill, for the last three weeks, our church has been singing "Desert Song' during our Sunday worship. God's power has been more real than we've ever seen before and walls are coming down. Your life and your little Max are a testament to us all that God is with us through ALL seasons! Thank you for living a genuine life and leading by example. Your honesty and transparency are exactly what I need. Glory to God! xoxo

erinmoffitt said...

You are an encouragement to me. Oh how your perspective is so refreshing and is helping my focus on current trials in my life. God IS in everything, it is so important to look at the big picture and surrender to His will and direction, even if we do not understand. This does not mean we cannot mourn, process emotions, etc. We do not shut down and become mindless. Rather we embrace the reality that Christ is sovereign and is working all for our good and His glory. Thank you.
Erin

koalainscotland said...

Thank you for your honesty Jill. xxxx

Trust The Unseen said...

Hello Jill

Thank you for sharing this I also did what you did for my twins they came and gone as well and I feel your pain waking up and knowing its there birthday God is with you and the saying I also say to myself got to hold your head up high and keep the Faith going in our lifes its hard but God is here every step of the way.Praying for you and family.

Felicia said...

Hi Jill, my friend told me about Max. We didn't even know when we bought the album last year.

We suffered the loss of our firstborn on 2 February. She was a beautiful girl called Naomi.

It's definitely been hard, and our marriage has been tested too. But i'm also holding onto the promises of Abba, KNOWING He's a good Father and that He's faithful.

We're going to be pregnant this year too. To His Glory! Restoration is nigh!

Hugs,

felicia (& michael). (from Singapore)

KAM said...

Wow. I recently was sent a youtube video of you talking about Max and how you kept singing until you felt God's presence despite feeling so broken. I lost my baby girl 2 weeks ago. She was 25 weeks. I hurt everyday, every minute and your testimony is the one thing that has given me the courage to know God is still in control and somehow, someway my husband and I can and will get through this. Thanks so much for sharing.
-kerry

loveletters2miscarriedmoms said...

Jill,

Last fall I got pregnant for the first time and lost the baby eight weeks later. I love the Lord and I am married to an amazing man of God and I couldn't understand, "why me?" I know you know what I'm talking about. Didn't I deserve a break because I loved Him more than others? Thinking about unfit mothers who love drugs more than their children, their lifeblood, still makes me so angry that it tremors my heart. I could do better, I tell myself, as if I’m reprimanding God, alerting Him that He chose the wrong candidate. And all the while I know exactly how irrational I am being. God doesn’t play unfavorites.

But here's the deal: The night that it happened, while I was in the shower screaming God cut off my cry and said, "Are you ready to be blessed now?" Later that same night He impressed the phrase "Love Letters to Miscarried Moms" on my heart and I knew that it was the title of a book that I was not looking forward to writing.

I finished it, anyway, and one month ago it won first place at the Orange County Christian Writers Conference. At the conference, an editor for a publishing company told me he was interested in receiving the manuscript. It's a HUGE BREAK for me, a dream, that I never expected, but now here I am.

I'm telling you all of this, because your "Desert Song" and your story have ministered to me in the last ten months and I was wondering/ hoping that you would be willing to write the forward for my book.

My email address is zamantis@yahoo.com. Please email me as soon as you can if you're willing.

Hope and Peace,
Samantha Evans

lesly said...

i loved your testimony... i know that to lose a child it's painful but the way as GOd has fill that big hole in your life is amazing...
I hope that you find those miracle two pregnancy lines very soon...

Thank u Jesus 4 ur love!!! =)

blessings!!!

a.voelker said...

Dearest Jill,
When I first heard Desert Song and the video telling your story, it amazed me. You are a women of faith that stands up. Thank you for sharing your story and opening doors for people to tell theirs.
This Mother's Day, my Pastors wife shared her story of infertility and prayed for the mothers in our church. Your story came to my mind. This prayer reaches all mother's, who are mother's in all forms.
This post is quite long, so so about that sorry.(It's almost obnoxiously long, I know) I am simply hoping this blesses you.
May His light shine upon you always,
--abbey voelker

Here is her prayer...
“I am the mother of three little boys ages three and under. I am also a woman who struggled with many years of infertility. During that time of suffering and waiting, the invitation that I heard from God was to become a mother in my spirit with no guarantee that there would ever be children from my body. Because of that invitation, I began to see that there are many ways to give birth, to give life, and to nurture life. So, as I pondered what kind of blessing to offer today, it felt important to honor the mother I was before children, the mother I am now, and the many women I know who mother in both traditional and untraditional ways. I have seen friends do the work of a mother by giving birth a book, by giving medical advice, by teaching, by standing up for justice, by laying hands on others in prayer, by listening. Just to name a few.

So, today I want to bless each of you women who sacrifice so that life can come through you to another. I invite you to let in whichever of these words seem to be for you and let go of whatever is not for you…Now, mothers, receive this blessing…

Mothers of children
Mothers of adults
Mothers to ailing parents
Mothers in spirit
Mothers of creative works
Mothers to those in need
Mothers with empty wombs
Mothers whose arms ache to be filled with one who once was there

You life givers and life nurturers
You who hold the small essential things that make a world
You who are the sole witness to private stories unfolding
You who are the ground on which others find their footing
You who respond to cries of hunger, heartache, fear, or pain
You who shelter growing things
You whose most significant work is unseen
You bringers of tenderness and comfort

To mother is to make oneself vulnerable to loss
To give oneself wholly to something that has the guarantee of at least a measure of failure
To give birth to something beyond you, that doesn’t belong to you, that you can’t control
To engage in a work that reveals both your best and your worst
To surrender your time, your body, your rhythms, your resources
For the joy set before you

So Mothers,
May God the Life Giving Spirit be your source
May God be both witness and companion to all the unseen moments of your life
May God preserve you at your core when the needs of others threaten to wash you away
May God give grace as you seek to unwind the knot of both founded and unfounded guilt and enable you to bring healing in places where you have brought harm
May God give you courage at thresholds of change
May God make of your emptiness a wide and free place
May the One who holds all things together, assure you that divine arms surround all that is beyond your reach
And,
When you lift up your eyes to see your life, may your joy be great.”

-Mary Martin Wiens, Church of the Open Door

Cherie Baker Vann said...

Jill, we don't know each other, and somehow I ran across your blog, but I want you to know that when that happened to you two years ago and you shared it on the Hillsong DVD that it made a HUGE impact on people you don't know.. way over here in the US :) Your choice to stand up in faith was just huge to me. I love that 2 years later you are so honest about it still. It makes the whole journey that much more real. Hope you don't mind that I'd comment! We are still waiting on our first child 2 years later too and even though I totally know it's not the same as loosing one, I am so thankful for your affirmations of faith that God is so much bigger. Blessings to you, and I am truly praying that those two blue lines appear soon!! :) Cherie

Dreamslong ago... said...

I am reading this on my PSP lol! Something told me to read this and thank God that I did...every time I read your blog I end in tears leaning on God because, its i am not the only person that struggles sometimes and in that temporary sturggle God himself is most prominant. I wish there was a way we could just talk...anyway thats all I wanted to say.

merel.vhg said...

thank you for putting into words the things i'm feeling in my heart and can't express yet. i've read through this blog entry more than 10 times these last few weeks and its helping me with my loss...; thank you.
max's life has made an impact on a lot of people and his story is still making an impact...hope that encourages you.

Christelle said...

Dear Jill, like most of the person said you don't know me. I heard your testimony on "this is our God" dvd and then had a look at your blog. Your testimony really encouraged me. I just lost a baby and as you perfectly know, it's really hard to move on after that, but I thank God that He allowed me to be encouraged by a christian woman who had such hard times too. You are a great woman and I pray that God pours out His blessings upon you and your family.
Christelle/ Switzerland

Suzanne said...

Thank-you so much for being so transparent on your blog. I discovered it today after listening to some Hillsong music & looking up different worship artists & leaders (I'm one as well and needed some inspiration and encouragement).
I know we don't know each other and you probably get lot's of messages like this, but I just wanted to say that you are an inspiration. The words I've read on your blog are words I needed to read right now in my life, and I hope God continues to use you to spread his word and bring others closer to Him.

Blessings,
Suzanne