[ journal ] march 3. 2008

There are all these things that God was stirring in me, in my heart right after max died. There are things that i don't understand how i was writing out ... truths about God that somehow seemed so much more real than ever before at a time when it seems they would be so much harder to believe. It only makes it so clear to me that in the times when it seems we are being so strong, truly we are weak and the strength of God is fully at hand. Our survival of these dark times is not based on our own adequacy but on the strength and grace of God. The more that i focus on His ability to save... restore.. the more that i can see his strength and restoration... 

The purpose of this blog is never to show how strong i seem... but only the grace of God which gives unexplainable strength... not always a pretty journey... but a real one... 

from my journal march 3 08. the day of max's funeral.

Today was a day i think you never imagine living through and that you never imagine how you would live through, but here we are on the backside of the day we laid our precious Max to rest and in the midst of such incredible pain and of a broken heart there is peace. The mender of hearts is at work and the presence of God is truly like a warm blanket. I can't believe i can breathe, but somehow each breath goes in and out the way it should, and moment by moment life moves on. 

Its so strange to all of the sudden feel this emptiness in my body - to feel one day completely inhabited by another and then the next feel so empty. Its an emptiness impossible to describe unless at one point you've felt its fullness. 

I know that right now, God, you are working amazing things out in my heart - stirring up things i never knew existed and strengthening my heart and my hands for the things ahead. There is such a drive and determination and passion  in me as never before to run this race and seek your heart and your face. And i believe that surely goodness and mercy will follow matty and i all the days of our lives. God i call our family blessed and i call the generations blessed that follow us. We are a family of life and abundance and this fire has refined and is refining us. The enemy is under our feet and is crushed beneath our heels and he will not have a foothold in any area or place in our lives. i declare and speak our marriage blessed. i thank you God that there is love deeper and stronger than ever conceived. I thankyou God that matty is prosporous and blessed at work - that everything that he puts his hands to is blessed. Thank you God that his memory is strong and wisdom exceeding - that he is integerous and honoured. Thank you God for our children to come, that they are healthy and strong. Thank you God that you see them now and they are blessed and healthy. Thank you that conception is going to be perfect and successful and joyful. You are wonderful God - your works are wonderful and i know that full well. You are our strength and our salvation and we praise you God. Surely the righteous will not be shaken - In our weakness God you are strong. and though my heart and my flesh may fail you are the strength of my heart. Thank you God for my beautiful son max. Thank you God that he was knit so perfectly together - that you formed his every part - from the tiny fingers i held and the little nose i kissed. What a perfect and beautiful creation my God. thank you that there are so many more to come.  -