some how i know deep within me that while every part of me aches to have another child... at least to be pregnant... to feel a child growing within me... that God has planned and purposed the exact timing of our next baby. We haven't missed out, fallen behind or lost our dreams. We've just been redirected, placed on a different path than we planned to be on. Whilst the pain of being torn from one place and put in another is still so real... the mending is gentle and the arms of God are strong and sufficient. i can't imagine walking this without God. Everyday i feel the Holy Spirit calling me to get up out of bed, reminding me that i'm going to survive this... to put one foot in front of the other and walk. Thats what doing a journey like this takes... every day choosing to get up out of bed and walk... to put one foot in front of the other and move forward. I've learned that we plan and purpose in our hearts and i believe with everything in me that that is healthy and right, but we have to remember that the Lord orders our steps. While we are planning and purposing the dreams within us, are we remembering that above those dreams God is sovereign. There may be bumps in the road... unjust ones or places we end up that seem in the very fullest sense of the word wrong.... but God is able... He is able to make that which is so wrong, right again. He is able to turn our tragedy into beauty. He truly gives beauty for ashes.
What is our choice? Do we let tragedy hit us and keep us down? Do we sit under the burden of sadness? Or do we let the Hope of salvation renew us again. WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS TRAGEDY IF WE CAN'T LET GOD DO SOMETHING GOOD WITH IT??? I have to ask myself daily... do i know who's attack this was? Satan has come to steal, kill and destroy. This was his plan all along. The tragedy, his doing. Death was never meant for us, it was never in the plan until the enemy came and decieved. So, Do i let him decieve me now? or do i call him out for the liar that he is and stand in the promise of God for Life. Sometimes i want to slap myself in the head and let the truth ring out that Jesus came that we would have LIFE to the fullest. If anything else but that come about I KNOW WHO SENT IT!! so...
i choose to:
>not let the enemy steal my joy any longer
>to say aloud that no weapon formed against me will prosper
>to believe that goodness and mercy are following me and my family all the days of our lives
>walk in truth every day... calling the enemy a liar and Jesus my Lord
>let God turn this tragedy into His triumph.
I want to scream at the top of my lungs - HE IS LORD.... HE HAS THE VICTORY... DEATH WHERE IS YOUR VICTORY - WHERE IS YOUR STING??? - GOD SHOW YOUR POWER AND GLORY IN THIS....
actually... some days i do scream it. Some days i scream... why us? why the first child? why can't You just fix this? Some days the most painful part of knowing the power of God is knowing that He in His might, could have fixed this in one moment... but He chose not too.
There is such a balance in this process of knowing that it is ok to question God... to not understand... to feel angry... and on the other side of that to trust Him enough to rest in his sovereignty and know that he loves me more than and love I've ever known. To know that He knows my pain and carries it with me... and to reverence Him and His power and trust that what He does is right and just and good. AHHH! i'm still working it out.
this rollercoaster... waking up... crying... worshipping and trusting... crying... feeling ok... trusting... crying... being angry... being thankful... missing max... crying... sadness... unexplainable joy.... it is absolutely what it looks... a complete rollercoaster. But in this journey up and down and around again, i see the work of God. Showing me his beauty in the most unexpected of ways.
Yesterday, there was a knock at the door, and the delivery of the most beautiful flowers... roses surrounded by flowers i had never even seen before... the smell absolutely divine... and a little note attached... "we love you" ... from two of our best friends... who while thousands of miles away had so thoughtfully and lovingly remembered that the week was max's due date. These are the things that make my heart melt. The ways God reminds me that he has surrounded me with more love than i could have ever asked for. the best of friends. People that in the middle of their own busy lives know what pain our hearts feel and do something to show their love. i'm so thankful.