the calm of the next ...rest.

the amazing thing about having a morning thats hard one day... is knowing that God's mercies are new every morning. have all of my problems been solved or prayers been answered?? no... not yet anyways... BUT... this morning i woke up (ahem... well... i'll just take a side bar and go into a bit more detail... i woke up around now because matty unplugged my phone last night to plug in the heater, i didn't know, my phone died, no alarm, missed a date i had with a friend this morning...and now my phone isn't working for some reason... side bar finished) so ... this morning i woke up late, and just felt peace. even in the middle of all that (waking up late etc etc) Not sad about max, anxious about anything... just peace. i actually slept most of the night, and, felt like i had. i opened up my bible and read this verse:: psalm 62:1 :: my soul finds rest in God alone; He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress and i will never be shaken. 62:6-8:: (he repeats) Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him, He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress , i will not be shaken. my salvation and my honor depend on God; He is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in HIM at all times, o people; pour out your hearts to him for God is our refuge."

so here's to a day of resting in God. soul, spirit and all. 

{ the silence of the morning }

i woke up this morning to silence. after a night of tossing and turning crying out that God would answer these longings... these aches in my heart... here i am again in silence. its not that i think God isn't listen, isn't hurting with my hurt... maybe thats what makes it harder. i started reading in psalms... chapter 69, and this is what i found david saying:

 'Save me oh God, for the waters have come up to my neck. I sink in the miry depths where there is no foothold. i have come into the deep waters; the floods engulf me. I am worn out calling for help, my throat is parched. My eyes fail, looking for my God...but i pray to you O Lord, in the time of your favor; in Your great love, l God, answer me with your sure salvation. Rescue me from the mire, do not let me sink; deliver me from those who hate me, from the deep waters. Do not let the floodwaters engulf me or the depths swallow me up or the pit close its mouth over me. Answer me o Lord out of the goodness of your love; in your great mercy turn to me. Do not hide your face from your servant; answer me quickly, for i am in trouble. Come near and rescue me; redeem me because of my foes.... i am in pain and distress; may your salvation o God protect me. I will praise God's name in song and glorify him with thanksgiving. This will please the Lord more than an ox, more than a bull with its horns and hoofs. The poor will see and be glad - you who seek God may your hearts LIVE! The Lord hears the needy and does not depise his captive people. Let heaven and earth praise Him, the seas and all that move in them, for God will save Zion and rebuild the cities of Judah. Then the people will settle there and possess it; the children of his servants will inherit it, and those who love His name will dwell there.' 

something about reading a 'man after God's own heart' say that his throat has become parched from calling out for help makes my heart rest. its ok. its ok that i feel like i'm calling and not hearing. in my Spirit i know that this silence is all a part of something God is outworking in my heart that is cultivating and shaping faithfulness, trust ,perserverence and host of other things. i know that it is more than worth it. i know that time passes so much more quickly in retrospect... but in this very moment anger wants to rise up and scream out THIS ISN"T RIGHT... Max should be here with us... i'm crying out with all of me begging, pleading with God to give us another baby... and silence... BUT... i know that God is good. Therefore... i will be the silencer of anger and bitterness and i will praise God's name in song and glorify Him with thanksgiving; and as heaven and earth praise Him i will be praising along with Max our great God who is in heaven... who max is seeing face to face... and who i have yet too. and another day will pass and i WILL see the goodness of God today. 

...beautiful story...

i've been reading a blog lately which has been unexplainably comforting... hope giving... beautiful. 

its amazing how God can use stories from all across the world to bring hope and life. This is His church isn't it. All as one, building His kingdom and strengthening the hearts of His people, sometimes through His people. 

Amazing. 

so to you who watch:: may her story do the same for you:: as i'm sure it will x

her blog::

http://conorbootheandgirls.blogspot.com

the video::

{holding together}

this verse from colossians has always been one that shut my mouth and opened up my spirit. then i read it again this morning and something broke in me. i read this verse... For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together... and i couldn't help but be floored by the thought, the vision of God creating, knitting together, forming my little max... while he was invisible in my belly, then visible to our eyes, and then gone to glory... completely created for Him, the Glory of God. and HE is before all things, before the creation of Max, and in Him alone everything holds together... my life. my heart. our lives. our hearts. everything. He is holding us and He is holding us together. Reminded again that He is good and strong and we're going to be ok. 

=the whole verse=

Colossians 1:15-20

He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. And he is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have the supremacy. For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross.

[ journal ] march 3. 2008

There are all these things that God was stirring in me, in my heart right after max died. There are things that i don't understand how i was writing out ... truths about God that somehow seemed so much more real than ever before at a time when it seems they would be so much harder to believe. It only makes it so clear to me that in the times when it seems we are being so strong, truly we are weak and the strength of God is fully at hand. Our survival of these dark times is not based on our own adequacy but on the strength and grace of God. The more that i focus on His ability to save... restore.. the more that i can see his strength and restoration... 

The purpose of this blog is never to show how strong i seem... but only the grace of God which gives unexplainable strength... not always a pretty journey... but a real one... 

from my journal march 3 08. the day of max's funeral.

Today was a day i think you never imagine living through and that you never imagine how you would live through, but here we are on the backside of the day we laid our precious Max to rest and in the midst of such incredible pain and of a broken heart there is peace. The mender of hearts is at work and the presence of God is truly like a warm blanket. I can't believe i can breathe, but somehow each breath goes in and out the way it should, and moment by moment life moves on. 

Its so strange to all of the sudden feel this emptiness in my body - to feel one day completely inhabited by another and then the next feel so empty. Its an emptiness impossible to describe unless at one point you've felt its fullness. 

I know that right now, God, you are working amazing things out in my heart - stirring up things i never knew existed and strengthening my heart and my hands for the things ahead. There is such a drive and determination and passion  in me as never before to run this race and seek your heart and your face. And i believe that surely goodness and mercy will follow matty and i all the days of our lives. God i call our family blessed and i call the generations blessed that follow us. We are a family of life and abundance and this fire has refined and is refining us. The enemy is under our feet and is crushed beneath our heels and he will not have a foothold in any area or place in our lives. i declare and speak our marriage blessed. i thank you God that there is love deeper and stronger than ever conceived. I thankyou God that matty is prosporous and blessed at work - that everything that he puts his hands to is blessed. Thank you God that his memory is strong and wisdom exceeding - that he is integerous and honoured. Thank you God for our children to come, that they are healthy and strong. Thank you God that you see them now and they are blessed and healthy. Thank you that conception is going to be perfect and successful and joyful. You are wonderful God - your works are wonderful and i know that full well. You are our strength and our salvation and we praise you God. Surely the righteous will not be shaken - In our weakness God you are strong. and though my heart and my flesh may fail you are the strength of my heart. Thank you God for my beautiful son max. Thank you God that he was knit so perfectly together - that you formed his every part - from the tiny fingers i held and the little nose i kissed. What a perfect and beautiful creation my God. thank you that there are so many more to come.  - 

some days.

Some days just turn out differently than you expect. Some days are still hard for us. 

there are still days that i wake up and feel the vacancy of our house. a room that should have a baby sleeping in it. a body that looks like a baby has come and gone and still there isn't one here. a heart that aches for him. you never know when these days will come. the week could have been amazing... the night before great... and all the sudden the grief comes like a ton of bricks. 

i honestly don't know what i would do with out Jesus. i don't know how people survive. i heard a pastor speak in a message once about the world saying our faith is just a crutch. he went on to say that he never met a man with a broken leg who wouldn't want a crutch to get around, and how we are all broken people... in need of a crutch... well, you get the idea. 

these days when the grief is hardly bearable the only thing i know to do is cry out to God and search out His word... rely on the comfort of the Holy Spirit and rest in Him. so here are some of the scriptures of my today... 

Psalm 61. 1-5

Hear my cry, O God. 

Listen to my prayer. 

From the ends of the earth i call to you

i call as my heart grows faint; 

lead me to the rock that is higher than i. 

For you have been my refuge

a strong tower against the foe.

I long to dwell in your tent forever 

and take refuge in the shelter of your wings.

for you have heard my vows o God

You have given me the heritage of those who fear your name.

Psalm 84. 11-12

For the Lord God is a sun and shield; 

the Lord bestows honour and favour;

no good thing does He withhold

from those whose walk is blameless.

O Lord almighty, blessed is the man who trusts in You.

Psalm 86. 1-16a

Hear o Lord and answer me,

for i am poor and needy

guard my life for i am devoted to you

You are my God; save your servant

who trusts you.

Have mercy on me oh Lord

for i call to you all day long. 

Bring joy to your servant 

for to you oh Lord i life up my soul. 

Among the Gods there is no one like you o Lord. 

No deeds can compare with yours.

All the nations you have made will come and worship before you oh Lord

they will bring glory to your name.

for you are great and do marvelous deeds

you alone are God.

Teach me your way o Lord

and i will walk in your truth; 

give me an undivided heart that i may fear your name

i will praise you, o Lord my God with all my heart; 

i will glorify your name forever. 

For great is your love toward me; 

you have delivered me from the depths of the grave. 

the arrogant (the enemy) is attacking me o God; 

a band of ruthless men seeks my life - 

men without regard for you.

but you O Lord are a compassionate and gracious God

slow to anger abounding in love and faithfulness.

Turn to me oh God and have mercy on me; grant your strength to your servant... 

I don't understand. i don't understand why we are walking through this or why it had to be us on this journey... but i do understand that God is SO much bigger than all of it.. and there is unexplainable comfort... unexplainable joy... and Love felt like i've never known in all my life in the midst of it. and somehow i can say, i can believe and i can absolutely know with everything in my heart soul and spirit that God is good. and he has rescued me... is rescuing and restoring even now as my heart feels broken and i write. 

God is good.

my love <3

I'm sitting on the couch next to my bebe. Matthew James McCloghry. Stealth. Matty. Matt. whichever form of the name you shall choose to use. 

its him that i love. so here's a thought on love.

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.


--St. Augustine

i'm glad my roots are entwined with his. <3

beautiful

-keep-loving-

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one. Wrap it around carefully with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket of your selfishness. But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, and irredeemable. The only place outside heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers of love is Hell." - C.S. Lewis  The Four Loves

la la latte.

This morning i woke up and made a coffee... latte to be exact. whole milk... strong espresso. made on the coffee machine that matty bought me for my birthday. ... and its good. nice and hot. no sugar. ahhhhh. 

i was thinking this morning about trusting God. After something that we don't understand happens and we choose to trust God, that seems almost to be the intelligent option. When we are completely out of control of our circumstance, when we love God, who else would we trust. - granted that sometimes we may float in the land of 'what just happened' before we get to that conclusion - Anyways, trusting God for the believer should be the natural option after tragedy or unexpected circumstance, but i'm finding that the true trusting is growing as the road that i'm on lengthens. I think part of me was trusting God and waiting for him to put us back on the track that i thought we were on... kind of a 'fix it' mentality if that makes sense. I'm learning that trusting Him means that we trust His plan, not that we had and 'oops' my life isn't what i thought it would be moment and now i'm waiting for you to put me back on my plan for my life, but abandonment to His plan... no matter the waiting... no matter what His timing is... and trusting Him all the way through it.

C.S. Lewis writes " When i lay these questions before God i get no answer. But a rather special sort of 'no answer'. It is not the locked door. It is more like a silent, certainly not uncompassionate, gaze. As thought He shook His head not in refusal but in waiving the question. Like, 'Peace, Child; you don't understand."   - from A Grief Observed - 

He does understand. So i can drink my coffee, get ready for the day... set out trusting him from the sunrise to the sunset and everywhere in between. ...

== catch up ==

:: just posting somethings i wrote down a while ago. this one from june 25, 2008 :: 

some how i know deep within me that while every part of me aches to have another child... at least to be pregnant... to feel a child growing within me... that God has planned and purposed the exact timing of our next baby. We haven't missed out, fallen behind or lost our dreams. We've just been redirected, placed on a different path than we planned to be on. Whilst the pain of being torn from one place and put in another is still so real... the mending is gentle and the arms of God are strong and sufficient.  i can't imagine walking this without God. Everyday i feel the Holy Spirit calling me to get up out of bed, reminding me that i'm going to survive this... to put one foot in front of the other and walk. Thats what doing a journey like this takes... every day choosing to get up out of bed and walk...  to put one foot in front of the other and move forward. I've learned that we plan and purpose in our hearts and i believe with everything in me that that is healthy and right, but we have to remember that the Lord orders our steps. While we are planning and purposing the dreams within us, are we remembering that above those dreams God is sovereign. There may be bumps in the road... unjust ones or places we end up that seem in the very fullest sense of the word wrong.... but God is able... He is able to make that which is so wrong, right again. He is able to turn our tragedy into beauty. He truly gives beauty for ashes. 

What is our choice? Do we let tragedy hit us and keep us down? Do we sit under the burden of sadness? Or do we let the Hope of salvation renew us again. WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS TRAGEDY IF WE CAN'T LET GOD DO SOMETHING GOOD WITH IT??? I have to ask myself daily... do i know who's attack this was? Satan has come to steal, kill and destroy. This was his plan all along. The tragedy, his doing. Death was never meant for us, it was never in the plan until the enemy came and decieved. So, Do i let him decieve me now? or do i call him out for the liar that he is and stand in the promise of God for Life. Sometimes i want to slap myself in the head and let the truth ring out that Jesus came that we would have LIFE to the fullest. If anything else but that come about I KNOW WHO SENT IT!! so...

i choose to: 

>not let the enemy steal my joy any longer

>to say aloud that no weapon formed against me will prosper

>to believe that goodness and mercy are following me and my family all the days of our lives

>walk in truth every day... calling the enemy a liar and Jesus my Lord

>let God turn this tragedy into His triumph. 

I want to scream at the top of my lungs - HE IS LORD.... HE HAS THE VICTORY... DEATH WHERE IS YOUR VICTORY - WHERE IS YOUR STING??? - GOD SHOW YOUR POWER AND GLORY IN THIS.... 

actually... some days i do scream it. Some days i scream... why us? why the first child? why can't You just fix this? Some days the most painful part of knowing the power of God is knowing that He in His might, could have fixed this in one moment... but He chose not too. 

There is such a balance in this process of knowing that it is ok to question God... to not understand... to feel angry... and on the other side of that to trust Him enough to rest in his sovereignty and know that he loves me more than and love I've ever known. To know that He knows my pain and carries it with me... and to reverence Him and His power and trust that what He does is right and just and good. AHHH! i'm still working it out. 

this rollercoaster... waking up... crying... worshipping and trusting... crying... feeling ok... trusting... crying... being angry... being thankful... missing max... crying... sadness... unexplainable joy.... it is absolutely what it looks... a complete rollercoaster. But in this journey up and down and around again, i see the work of God. Showing me his beauty in the most unexpected of ways. 

Yesterday, there was a knock at the door, and the delivery of the most beautiful flowers... roses surrounded by flowers i had never even seen before... the smell absolutely divine... and a little note attached... "we love you" ... from two of our best friends... who while thousands of miles away had so thoughtfully and lovingly remembered that the week was max's due date. These are the things that make my heart melt. The ways God reminds me that he has surrounded me with more love than i could have ever asked for. the best of friends. People that in the middle of their own busy lives know what pain our hearts feel and do something to show their love. i'm so thankful. 

::: a summary :::

i wrote this not long ago in the middle of the night when i couldn't sleep. in my sleeplessness God was working things out in me while i was writing. He does that ...

"its crazy. some days i can't move. some days i feel like my knees 

are going to collapse under me. i lay on my face and plead with God 

to give us another baby. i totally can see hannah praying in the 

temple... looking drunk because of her pain. i know that feeling. i 

just never knew what grief like this felt like. i feel like my heart 

was ripped in two and God is literally sewing me back together. but 

somewhere in the background there's always this constant grace... 

peace that i know is trying to burst through in full force if i'll 

let it... the calm of God... him saying that its going to be ok... 

that His timing is perfect. its a rollercoaster. i'm distressed 

completely one minute then the next God has quieted my soul. i feel 

like i'm sitting in his lap coming apart. and he's holding me 

together. crazy."

maxs story

I had the first of the mccloghry offspring... Max Kingston McCloghry. On February 27. He was amazing... perfect... little toes and fingers... all put together... woven & spun by the master creator. He just came early. I was only 23 weeks and 5 days pregnant, which is basically 6 months in translated prego lingo, and i went into labour on tuesday really late , i guess really wednesday morning sometime around 1 or 2 am, only i didn’t know i was going into labour so i toughed it out all night thinking it was what they call braxton hicks which are like practice contractions... but they weren’t. i even got up the next morning and went to work, caught the ferry, actually, ran for the ferry because i was running late... i called the midwife and she said just come in just in case, even though she thought it was braxton hicks too. so i caught a ferry back home. got home and realized it was getting really painful... called matty, who called me a cab because he was to far and it would have taken him longer to get home... and i realised it was getting REALLY painful and called and ambulance who arrive in what seemed like and eternity and carried me down the 2 flights of stairs in our apt building and drove me to my hospital which thank God happened to be the closest. they wheeled me straight into labour and delivery where the doctor said the baby was breech (which means he was butt first and not head first - their supposed to be head first) and she said i was 9 cm dialated... you dialate to 10 before having the baby... and i had the baby with in 20 minutes of getting to the hospital. Max was 720gms and 30cm long... ie... almost 1 !/4 lbs and about a foot long. 

He was beautiful. As soon as he was born the doctors inflated his lungs and got him stable and let us say hello and then whisked him off to the neonatel ICU. I recovered for as short of time as possible and went over straight away with matty to see him.

He basically was perfectly healthy and growing well in the womb and for some reason just came early. We’re not even sure medically if there’s a reason. We spent from 1205pm midday on the 27 of Feb with him until that night at 1025pm when he went to be with Jesus. We were sitting there and and held him for 2 hours or so while he was still breathing just staring at him and adoring him and the nurse told us there was nothing else they could do, and asked if we wanted to hold him and have her take out his life support and we decided thats what we would do... So i held him and matty held me while my little max took his last breath in our arms. 

i’m not sure if there’s any feeling worse than that. 

There’s a few things that i know though. I know that God is on the throne. That Jesus is reigning and Ruling and the Holy Spirit is our comfort. I know that GOd is bigger than max’s lungs being to little to breath correctly because He made every bit of his little body. I know that God had/has the power to heal rescue and save. I know that I would rather have what He chooses than anything else. I know that the enemy must restore what he’s taken. I know that God is holding my little max and he’s raised by angels and walking with Jesus and matty and i will see him again and hold him one day. and i know that just as God could have healed Max, little maxy is healed to perfection now walking in heaven in his glorious new little body and God is healing and rescuing me and matty. i know i love God more than ever before, and i trust Him more than ever before and i know that i love my amazing and strong husband more than i knew i could love and person in the world and i love him deeper. and i know there’s many more little bubs to come to our family, and we’ll tell them all about Max and Jesus and Glory. 

We believe that what the enemy has intended to break and destroy us and our hearts, God is going to use for good. We believe that our hearts are truly secure and not shaken because we believe in a Holy God who we KNOW loves us. Death was defeated at the cross of Christ and there is Hope beyond what this world sees as the end. This isn’t the end for us, just a road bump until we see our little boy again. 

Pray for us because this is a crazy hard time, and we’re just working through it day by day... pray that we’ll have strength and courage to walk back into what life consists of... work and "normal" things that won’t ever be like they were before this...Pray that we will be encouraged and always looking to the Hope that called us before time began.

the video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZE33ejdgWIY