Wednesday, August 4, 2010

::time.... is on my side::

The wild thing about having a one year old little princess wildly running around the house, is that it seemingly leaves no time for much else in the day.
Ok, thats probably an exaggeration... she's not actually even walking yet... just this wildly speedy crab crawl that leaves one leg constantly underneath and one half walking... and time, well... there is minimal... enough to take showers, wash dishes, do the laundry and grocery shopping and every once and a while duck up to the cafe for a much needed cuppa.
In the last months we've also moved... which was an adventure that has us in a beautiful flat offering much more space than the old one... as well as heating that comes with the touch of a button and the speed of a rocket and leaves my american toes toasty warm.
We've had an amazing Hillsong Conference, where I was again left speechless at the glory and strength of a mighty and wonderful God. I also got to spend precious days and moments with one of my closest friends, Christy, who was here to be a guest at conference... If you've ever lived in a place far from what you always knew, you would completely understand how much a visit from a close friend is like jumping in a freshwater spring on a hot day... AMAZING.
I got to spend some time in the studio doing vocals on some of the most beautiful and worshipful songs my heart has sung... the boys working hard on the new Hillsong United album have pushed the limits and the Holy creativity God is bringing through their gifts has left my heart anticipating and expecting...

So... thats a little catch up on the happenings of us mccloghrys for the past few months :)

To catch you up on our hearts and our little girl... the last night of Hillsong Conference, just before we were ready to go and lead the the amazing church that had gathered in worship, I got a phone call. We have been waiting to hear whether or not our precious girl would be able to stay with us permanently or would be restored to her father. I have to say so that you have our hearts perspective and desire, that we wanted her to stay more than I could express because of our deep love for her... but... more than that, we wanted Gods very best for her life. On top of that, God has put in our hearts a love for her father... he is loved by God as much as everyONE and i know God is after his precious heart. So there is a lot stirring beneath this phone call. I answered and was given the news that the courts decided Haylee would be returned to her father.
Crushing to my heart that loves her so much... there's a real grief that comes along with the news when youve have a beautiful girl for the first year of her life and love her much more than the most delicious of tim tams. (if you know how much i love tim tams you will understand the how much i mean)
Crushing because I know that God is in it and weaving together His perfect plan and it is all going to be ok.
And here's where we reverse...
NOT CRUSHING. because the Word says...
We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed.
2 Corinthians 4:8-9
Once again i found myself facing a situation that, if i allowed it could wildly change who i thought God is...How, in my small mindedness, somehow i feel that if i just "pray really hard" that God will give me what i want... somehow, the mighty God of the universe, creator of everything, gets reduced in my head to wishing on a star. Ridiculous comparison, trust me, i know it is... but do you see where i'm coming from? What is it in us that takes "ask and you shall receive" to mean writing a christmas list to santa claus. I'm not going to go theological here... i'm not the person to do it... there are plenty of others who've done that with this exact verse, and done it unbelievably well... but i hope you hear my heart...
I believe that prayer changes things. I believe that we can come against the tactics of the enemy as he is out to steal-kill & destroy... and that we have authority in Jesus name to stand against what he has set out to accomplish and bind him in the Name and by the Power of the Lord Jesus Christ. Believe me i wholeheartedly do that.
I know God loves me. I know that He wants to give me the desires of my heart. I also know He loves me to much to tick of my santa claus list with things that aren't His best. I know that He is so vast, His thoughts so much higher than my thoughts...His ways SO much higher than my ways... that it would be utterly ridiculous for me to assume I know what He is up to. Which is where believing for His kingdom to come, and His will be done in every situation is where i know my heart must lie.
When the decision for where my heart has so tenderly been, comes...when all my seeking, praying, believing and trusting reach the culmination of that phone call... and the choice is again in front of me... who will i trust? I know in my heart that God has had the victory. That He is never untrustworthy. He is hope and salvation. That in this decision there is hope for a beautiful little girl who will be with her dad like God intended...that God is so in love with her dad and after his heart to mend and heal him.. and that my role was always to pray for him and believe in him and have a heart that wants to see his life restored and our little girls life to be right with his...AHHH... isn't it amazing how when God perspective reaches our hearts... when we see through the eyes of Jesus... that everything changes. Does it still hurt... oh my gosh... it HURTS.. but it hurts with a joy that lifts that hurt from the ashes and fills it with life. When you know who holds the future... the future always looks beautiful.

So the chaos in our house has quieted for the moment... and there is a lot of time. To sit, to dream, to write... this time is gold and so precious... and i'm so thankful for every moment.

I hope that helps you in some way... i feel like we are all on this wild journey of life... and the discovering of our amazing God and how He is SO much more vast than we ever could imagine... and sometimes its rocky... and it hurts... but there is always beauty for ashes... no matter how big or small the bump in the road might seem to you. We are all on a journey... and its ok to feel how you feel... just remember that God isn't scared of your feelings... and the best place for them is in his hands. He is a safe place.

I've typed a novel here... so i'll save what else i was going to write for the next entry...

xxxxxxxx




10 comments:

merel.vhg said...

hello heavenly perspective... :)
doesn't that change everything? there's still the grief and the pain, but to see the other side...His comfort & insight...

i love reading how hard things shape your trust in God. i'm not a blogger but i've been having a same kind of year... hard things --> trust.
i'm sorry about the hard things but grateful for what it produces.

thanks for sharing your heart, jill. you have a gift with words and are able to let others see the amazing and deep love our Abba has for us.
redaing this helps me, He IS so much bigger than us...
i'll be praying for haylee and her father as well, i promise. i'll be praying jeremiah 29:11 over her.

(keep blogging, loving your insights)

sj. said...

i am always so amazed and awed by how much you've allowed your life to be shaped, molded and orchestrated by God by just trusting Him wholeheartedly and completely. you really are an inspiration. i look forward to hearing more God-stories by the McCloghry that is Jill.. and also do tell about the little princess on the way!!! :D

much loves to ya xx

Donna said...

Jill, Thank you for this! Your perspective and faith inspire me so much. Isn't it true that we have a "santa cause list" of our hearts desires?? Yet, if we can keep our perspective-through God's great grace-we DO get our hearts' desires when our desires are for His heart.

I'll be praying for you guys as you let Hayley go to her daddy. Praying for her daddy, that he recognizes the gift he's been given to raise her. Praying for her as she grows, that God will protect her lovely little heart, and will water the seed you've sown in her.

God bless you, lovely girl. You are such a blessing-even to people you don't know, like me. :)

Amelia said...

Jill, reading your last few blows,.... I'm wiping away tears! I have had a really tough last couple of months, which have involved my relationship with my best friend disintegrating and not being able to let that show in public (namely at church). I haven't been able to get my head around how God healing so much of my hurt and giving me such strength through this season that has astounded me, and my Pastors words of encouragement that its ok to feel upset/angry/disappointed could go together. But I feel now like someone else understands feeling both things at once....thankyou hun! If I could hug you right now I would!! I also am walking that path of seeing others walking in your dream - but I'm totally believing God that you're going to see a positive pregnancy test, and that His timing will be sooner rather than later! Lol! Xx

Wendy Delfosse said...

Oh I love it when you blog, Jill. I can't imagine how hard this season will be, but you're putting your heart in the right hands. I remember getting an email from your Mom a few years ago to pray and I remember praying about what I wanted for you, what I was sure you wanted, but then I had to check myself and pray that whatever happened that you wouldn't turn away from God, or allow it to hinder your ministry of praising Him... and it hasn't... I've seen that prayer answered powerfully... from halfway across the world. Blows me away. Praying for you again now and the healing that He can bring. Love you girl!

Them Chandlers said...

I absolutely resonate with this. Thank you for sharing...

You are often on my heart and mind :)

~Lauren

Jason and Kristin said...

Jill, you have such an amazing heart and perspective. I still can't believe we've never actually met, but I feel like I know you through Kare. And I know how special Haylee was to all of you. That little girl spent the first year of her life surrounded by such love and that will begin to mold her into who God made her to be. Praying for you guys.

anina said...

thank god for your post. there's so much in there that i could relate to, and you kinda put my situation into words for me,...

"When you know who holds the future... the future always looks beautiful."

There are times when I just feel so frustrated by my own desires, and I don't know what to say He always reminds me that He can see everything from bird's eye view, and that no matter how ugly things look from where we are, up there, everything looks so beautiful as a whole.

I really can't say it with words, but really, your post has touched my heart in so many ways, just like another one I had read from previous months. God speaks to us in many different ways, and as with Hillsong's Music ministry, God also spoke through your mini yet MIGHTY entry!

So blessed.

Thank you Jesus. And thank you Jill. :)

Cherie Baker Vann said...

Sheesh why did it take me so long to read your blog again?? Praying now too for Hayley and her dad, as well as you guys! You will never know the impact you have had on her! We have thought alot about fostering while we wait for our adoption/kids/etc, but have always thought we couldn't handle it - I couldn't even imagine fostering an animal and having to give it up! Thx for demostrating such strength. I know it must not be "you" who is able to handle letting go of her. God is so much bigger than I think He is... again and again :)

Larissa Pereira said...

Jiiiiiiill!
When I started to follow u on twitter and saw you had a blog I got the best expectation about it. Actually, i loooove to read/know how God works in our trouble times and blog it's a good way to share about.
Over again, follow ur blog and be blessed through it rocked me! And this post is a comfort from God to this confused moment I'm living... but read the last line and recognize that there is no better to place to my feelings be show me how His unfailing love will continue to cover and lead me.
Thank u so much Jill for share ur experiences with us. I'm sure the best of God is yet to come upon u, that's my pray.
Much love,

Larissa Pereira