Sunday, August 22, 2010

alarm clock.

It would seem my body already has some sort of internal alarm set to prepare me for this baby. 4:45am and i was WIDE awake... i tossed and turned for a while... tried to think about nothing... thought about everything... even tried a trick a friend taught me ages ago, where you picture a roll of toilet paper right up close to your nose, and watch it roll around over and over.... (this of course must be a white roll.. no fancy decorative rolls... its totally the new counting sheep?? Ha!)... however, this didn't bring the sleep I was so desperately after. After a good hour of fighting my 'awakeness'... I got up... fumbled around for my contacts... put on the kettle... and now I'm sitting computer side with my cup of 'sydney breakfast' tea from T2 (FAVORITE-thx mia fieldes) and rambling off my early Sunday thoughts to you. I feel like I should apologize now... or maybe just hold down the delete button and start again????

We are moving in exactly a week.
I say we, but I actually won't be participating aside from maybe directing a little. When we worked out that this would be the time we needed to move, part of me thought... umm... perfect... this is gonna be an easy one for me... considering I'm not allowed to actually move anything! That is totally selfish... I know... but I try to be a teller of truths. Considering we only moved into our current place about 4 months ago, another move is daunting.... not only for us... but probably more so for our amazing and generous friends who always come show up with willing hands to speed up the process. or just make it possible!

Turns out tho, I'm WAY more of a control freak than I previously thought.

Surely, we all battle the 'control everything' side of our human nature.... or maybe some the opposite 'couldn't care less side'... but being high risk pregnant, with a side of surgery, and moving on the week which coincidentally was the week we lost our little max on (we are 23 wks
yesterday and max came at 23wks and 5 days)... means that I won't be doing much of anything. I'm going crazy. I think my mind runs at a bazillion miles per hour with what we need to pack, how we need to pack it, how we can make moving the least complicated for the actual move and when it comes to unpacking, what and when we should move which items... am I sounding crazy to you??? Even as I write it, I shudder to think what my husband must think of this crazy woman he married! ha! I mean, seriously friends, I have plans to draw a diagram of the house to place on each box and mark where in what rooms the boxes go... and even contemplated colour coordinating boxes to items which I can't pack on my own. ?!

Its not that there's anything wrong with any of these things... being organized is great... its a good quality... but what I'm finding God is teaching me ... is to LET GO. These are NOT the things that need to be keeping me up, mind racing. I have decided that I'm going to consciously choose and let God make this side of my personality work as my greatest asset and not a hindrance. If I am going to be kept awake by something, the absolute truest reality, is that I would hope that it would WAY more often being children without mothers, women in captivity, people oppressed and needing hope... not how many boxes still need my new home diagram on them. The stark contrast of putting those things even side by side in the same sentence only reiterates my point to myself. PERSPECTIVE MCCLOGHRY. perspective.

seriously. changes everything.

Its is so much easier to focus controlling the things that are small and in our grasp(obviously!)...its easier to think on those let them quietly become the things that consume us... maybe its easier because we can see the problem and the solution all at once. I suppose the challenge we face is understanding and knowing (not just in our heads but really knowing in our hearts) that even the biggest problems on the earth can contain both the problem and solution in the same view... and His name is Jesus. It is much harder to face the mountains, stand in faith, believing for the impossible and trusting in the unseen... speaking things are not yet as though they were and actually and truly resting in the confidence that He is the answer and He will come thru... and with the biggest things we see or know are happening, that though the solution might not right now be in our head, in our heart or in our hands... each step with the Saviour of the world... each obedience... each small or large practical God placed step... puts us hand in hand with THE SOLUTION... as we walk out the steps to heavens answer...

I'm not sure how discernible this post is going to be when my brain is actually functioning with all cylinders firing (wait...not sure that happens ever? haha)... but hoping something good and life giving comes your way from it... xxx jilly


owlette ♥ said...

Hi Jill, it's to exciting to see how your progressing along :)

I know exactly how you feel! My husband and I moved just over a month before our daughter was due. I had been looking forward to moving into our home for over a year, but once it was time to pack all our things I was just too far along to be of any help. I am a bit of a control freak and HATED not being able to be part of the packing/unpacking, being able to move furniture, etc.

Still wanting to be a part of the action though, I bent over a few times throughout the day to pick up light boxes here and there. BAD IDEA! That night I had contractions for most of the night. That really put things in perspective! Thank God our little girl didn't arrive early and that was the only complication I ever ran into throughout the whole pregnancy.
Not trying to scare you at all, just thought I'd share from one mum to another. Praying your little bun stays in its oven till its well cooked!

Dany xoxo

Wendy Delfosse said...

You sure know how to pack the emotion in your words, Jill. My eyes were watering for you with the packing, high risk and it all coinciding with Max... Then you switch it up and put it all in perspective. I'm so glad you write. Keep being honest... and yes, keep resting, no matter how hard it is, to keep your little Princess in as long as possible!

Jen said...

Oh Jill, I love coming here :)

I totally get the packing thing. When you wrote that you couldn't actually do anything, I inwardly cringed. That would drive. me. nuts. I'd get my hubby to pack in the room I was in, and tell him how to do it ;)

Praying for you, dearest :D

Kristie777 said...

All I can say is WOW, your words always come at the exact right time. They are so inspiring, YOU are inspiring.
Praying & believing with you for your precious miracle to arrive safely at just the right time (GOD's time).
Keep up the writing because YES your heart is being heard & transforming many.
Much love Kristie xxx

Jennifer Isaacson said...

we are so much more alike than i ever dreamed lol... as I sit at the coffee table with TLC on working on a project to relax from another project which is only 1/4 complete... i'll get there :)

Anonymous said...

i am the same way.
perspective has been my theme-word this year. i lie awake worried about to-do lists, why a friend hasn't emailed me back yet, day to day stuff...but do i i lie awake worried about hungry children. no :-(
embarrasing to say really. i've been praying for a renewed heart and fresh perspective.

i hope you two moving again is a good thing? since it's so soon? good luck delegating and putting into practice the 'not in control' thing ;-)

Cherie Baker Vann said...

me again - I love this - we moved to Dallas 6 months ago and now are contemplating (well, I am hoping with ALLLLLL my heart) for a move back to L.A. - the thought of moving everything again is too much - we'll just sell it all and start over haha. But the anxiousness of finding work (the prerequisite to move back) and the wanting to control all resumes, interviews, etc, is totally consuming on some days! We believe it's the right direction, but wow, even when we know God's working we still want control of the when's and the wanting it all NOW bits :) Thx for posting! I totally would want to organize like you are! haha

vj said...

hi, i'm one of your blog stalkers...i only know you from the songs you sing. i find myself encouraged by your posts so i come back.

on my drive to work today, the prayers i prayed mimicked the last part of your post...about each step puts us closer to the solution. thinking of the bigger picture overwhelms me so i prayed for God to just help me put one foot in front of the other.

have a wonderful day. =)

Anonymous said...

I came across your blog maybe a year ago and I just wanted to tell you how much of an encouragement it's been to me all this time! This has definitely helped me grow as a young Christian woman and I cannot thank you enough for being so real and inviting to your readers in documenting your life in God. Thank you again and I wish you the VERY best for your pregnancy.

=) God bless!!

Anonymous said...

Prayed for you on this special day...emotions must be mixed, hope you are well.