here's the thing.

the last week has been a rough one. i wake up in the mornings and feel the weight of the last year. I spend most of the day thinking about it. I think this is a week or so where i'm really beginning to process a lot of what's happened. grief is a funny thing... it comes in so many stages. I sat on the bathroom floor weeping the other night saying to God - i can't take this anymore  - i've had enough... i really just hit a wall. the most amazing thing to me about having this relationship with God is that i CAN say those things to Him... i can cry out... grieve... weep and He is there and i know that he is ever understanding and merciful... and every stage of this is under His strong arm... and even when i feel so far He is drawing me in close, tucking me under His wing. 

I just felt like i should write today and say... that no matter the feelings in your heart of grief or sorrow or the weight of your situation... God is ok with you expressing these things to Him... and the wrestling with Him, the questions, the unknown, He understands and is so merciful... so good... that He is walking all of it out with us. there is no instant fix... not always a reason or ryhme but there is grace... and peace that surpasses all understanding... that somehow shows up in the middle of a storm... 

today i feel like the disciples in the boat... there's this huge storm raging all around... waves crashing, thunder roaring... and Jesus is a little bit silent... sleeping... but i just keep thinking.... i can't forget that one word in His time will quiet the storm... quiet my heart... still my soul... and the word will come... 

x