Wednesday, March 4, 2009

happy new year::

So, I realise that it is not actually the new year ... i.e. it did not just turn 2009...but for me... its a new year. February 27 has passed and one year has gone by since my precious little Maxy was taken to glory... we had a super fun birthday party for him and celebrated his life... and it was amazing... and we had yummy cake too! 

I'm looking back on this last year and realise the beautiful things God has been doing. He has been so merciful in letting me pour my heart out, (sometimes in the most un-graceful sort of ways!) and I feel as though I've been more than ever before the throne of grace "just as i am". So here's the thing: It has been a year and I don't want to be the same person this year that I was last year. I won't let the Enemy keep me down or win in ANY way when it comes to depression or disengagement... so I'm just saying... this year is going to be different. I'm making the choice... I'm stepping in line with Jesus and what he did on the cross and believing that by HIS stripes I am mended and healed! He is the restorer of my heart and i know that what He's been doing in me in this last year has all culminated to this time that I now have to stand up again and begin to take steps and choose to not shrink back but move forward in all that God is laying out... and know that He is lighting the path for every step.

I have an amazing God, and amazing husband, an amazing family, an amazing church, amazing friends...  so as you can see... life is amazing! My little Max is up in heaven and he's cheering Matty and I on because he is experiencing the glory of God, his glorious presence face to face, and he knows now fully what we only see in part... (I can't wait to be there too-in Gods timing of course ha!!) I still miss him so much, but shivers, I can't live in that moment that happened a year ago forever - all I can do is love the beautiful time I had with Max and carry it with me as pure joy... and let God continue healing the rest.

Ahhh... *breathing out*... Its so good to let the weight of it all go. I didn't think I could ever get here... and here I am. I know there will still be sad days, or minutes or whatever, but this is a new year... and I'm SO looking forward to it... i love my Max more than ever and can't wait Max's little brother or sister... whenever God is ready for us to have them... :) 

just some thoughts of today... :: 



Kimberly Geswein said...

Jill, You don't know me. But your song (Desert Song) has ministered to me and I wanted to say thank you. Thank you for the openness of your heart and your willingness to share your grief and your hope equally.

I'm an American living in China- please know that you are touching hearts globally by your willingness to be obedient to His calling on your life.


maggie.ayers. said...

I agree with the love above, for sure. Your story, the beautiful journey that is still unfolding, the goodness of God that you declared in the midst of such pain, and the hope of Christ arising in you, has blessed me more than words can say. I am in awe at how God is bringing you through this season and so excited to hear the goodness He's doing in another sister! Thanks for being vulnerable and raw. God has been really honoring that in hearts throughout the nations.

'So the ransomed of the Lord shall return, and come to Zion with singing, with everlasting joy on their heads. They shall obtain joy and gladness; sorrow and sighing shall flee away.'

{Isaiah 51:11}

Go under the Mercy,

Anonymous said...

Dear Jill, I am not sure I can say all I want to say right here but I don't know how else to contact you. I have wanted to write to you for so long now and I just keep putting it off - finally at Colour this year I believe God gave me the words I was looking for.

After watching your interview on the album and hearing your story I wept and wept. I have two beautiful sons and never, until that moment, had their lives seemed so precious.

I found your blog and have been following your journey (on the very outside of course - I only know what you share...and I know there is so much more that has gone on.)

What I do see though, is your courage and your faith and your hope. You did such an amazing job at Colour, well done good and faithful servant...your worship is so genuine and real, you have an amazing anointing.

That however is not what I want to say...I want to tell you that your son Max is changing the world. His life although short was big enough to reach mine, and I just want you to know that while here on earth you may not see the fruit from his life... but it is there.

My world is so very different now, my relationship with my children is different because of Max and I thank you so much for sharing your journey. My life, my husbands life, my boys lives are all better because of Max and I am sure that we are just the beginning.

The waves of change brought on by his life are huge and they are washing up on the shores of peoples lives all over the place.

I hope your new year is amazing, I hope your journey continues to be one that puts God first, trusting him always. I can't wait to see you in heaven embracing your boy, for that will be a joy worth waiting for.

I didn't want to write to you because I didn't want to remind you of your loss, I figure heaps of people would have sent you emails like this, but i really really felt God prompting me to, so I hope that my words don't bring you sadness, I hope that every time you think of Max, you will know he is changing the world!!

Thank you for trusting God and being real.


RighteousRadio said...

you're not alone. one day i will tell you about my friend who had a similar experience to yours. her first baby is in heaven. her second baby made it out, safe and sound. he turned 1 in september. keep hope alive. and keep max's memory alive too, its ok.

Michael said...

Jill; like Kimberly, we have never met and probably won't on this side of glory. I also have been ministered to by the combination testimony/music video of "Desert Song" which I have viewed many times on YouTube.
It is a true example of what I call "faith in the trenches", when nothing seems to work, all of the words (including the promises) seem hollow, God seems a million miles away and all we are left with is the faithfulness of the person of God. It is testimony and song like yours, much like Casting Crowns' "Praise You In This Storm" that has kept me going over the last 10 years when multiple stresses (yes, including the loss of my own son--story at )sent me into a full nervous breakdown complete with major depression, anxiety disorders (including a mild form of PTSD) and other medical mental disorders that brought my life to a standstill.
At one point, my whole "Bible" (the only thing that meant anything to me) was II Timothy 2:13; "When we are faithless, He is faithful, for He cannot deny Himself." I have become a living testimony to the faithfulness of God. I am in slow but continuing recovery, and God has given me a one-on-one ministry with other hurting people (esp. those who are online and often have NOBODY around them who understands). Will I fully recover in this life? That's up to God. All I know is that if I don't, it won't be due to a lack of effort on my part!
Thank you for sharing your life and ministry.
God bless, Mike Webb