here's the thing.

the last week has been a rough one. i wake up in the mornings and feel the weight of the last year. I spend most of the day thinking about it. I think this is a week or so where i'm really beginning to process a lot of what's happened. grief is a funny thing... it comes in so many stages. I sat on the bathroom floor weeping the other night saying to God - i can't take this anymore  - i've had enough... i really just hit a wall. the most amazing thing to me about having this relationship with God is that i CAN say those things to Him... i can cry out... grieve... weep and He is there and i know that he is ever understanding and merciful... and every stage of this is under His strong arm... and even when i feel so far He is drawing me in close, tucking me under His wing. 

I just felt like i should write today and say... that no matter the feelings in your heart of grief or sorrow or the weight of your situation... God is ok with you expressing these things to Him... and the wrestling with Him, the questions, the unknown, He understands and is so merciful... so good... that He is walking all of it out with us. there is no instant fix... not always a reason or ryhme but there is grace... and peace that surpasses all understanding... that somehow shows up in the middle of a storm... 

today i feel like the disciples in the boat... there's this huge storm raging all around... waves crashing, thunder roaring... and Jesus is a little bit silent... sleeping... but i just keep thinking.... i can't forget that one word in His time will quiet the storm... quiet my heart... still my soul... and the word will come... 

x 

and i'm up

its true huh. joy comes in the morning... somehow... someway... (well... its God i know, but i don't understand how it happens)... 

spent a lot of time yesterday just listening. waiting. trying to calm my soul. then letting God do it. ha. amazing how just letting go of the hurt and letting Him take it brings rest. 

i woke up this morning and peace was so present - a beautiful harbour morning... the water calm... sky blue... and sun shining. i do realise that not every morning after a day of struggle is beautiful and blue... but this morning was. stunning. 

i just made a cup of coffee, and i thought on a bit of a random note i'd share that i am officially addicted to soymilk. now i realise that this is way behind the 8 ball compared to everyone else who seems to 

have tried it and hated or loved it but none the less decided on one or the other, but I was just taking my time choosing. I was hanging with my good friend Jo tuesday and her beautiful little girl Mia and we took to a coffee shop called "The Avenue" in Mosman... and i had a soy latte... and i reckon it was the best coffee i may have ever had in my life. I loved it so much Wednesday i made a trip across the bridge and enjoyed another... and Jo so generously gave (along with a heap of other things) a box of "bonsoy" (see photo =)  

...and i've been using it all week... its amazing. i'm in LOVE with it. apparently she says that its probably the best one... so i'm just sticking with it. i'm not quite soy adventurous enough to try another brand yet. 

 x x x x 

a song plays.

well, its been a while. 

there's lot of things that God is doing ... a lot of decisions we've been making and a lot of things happening that are still to fresh to share. God is true to his word and is restoring although some of these days  end up being so trying on my heart.

the song playing is recorded in the roughest way. garage band in my living room. put down 5 minutes after written. generally not a good idea to post these songs to the world. hear my heart in it... 

this journey has been raw and real the whole way through. this song was born a few minutes ago as i was sitting on the couch having a good cry... not understanding at all what God is doing right now... having no other option but to listen for the Holy Spirit... wait for His voice... and trust that he's here in my living room... speaking and comforting my broken and needy heart... strengthening me... and for the next few hours, just letting me rest in Him... 

Have my heart

Take my life

I will not live for myself 

For You my Lord

I give my life

Jesus Christ, where I am found

You now mend

And restore

My sight and sound fallen so far

Strength to stand 

In You alone

Ever you are in my heart 

Joy of the morning 

Lover of mercy 

You are the Strength of my heart

God of all freedom 

Consuming fire 

You are the Strength of my heart 

Poor and Needy 

at your table 

Provider, Sustaining Friend

I shall never lack in favor 

You are strong in everything 

Joy of the morning 

Lover of mercy 

You are the Strength of my heart

God of all freedom 

Consuming fire 

You are the Strength of my heart