the calm of the next ...rest.

the amazing thing about having a morning thats hard one day... is knowing that God's mercies are new every morning. have all of my problems been solved or prayers been answered?? no... not yet anyways... BUT... this morning i woke up (ahem... well... i'll just take a side bar and go into a bit more detail... i woke up around now because matty unplugged my phone last night to plug in the heater, i didn't know, my phone died, no alarm, missed a date i had with a friend this morning...and now my phone isn't working for some reason... side bar finished) so ... this morning i woke up late, and just felt peace. even in the middle of all that (waking up late etc etc) Not sad about max, anxious about anything... just peace. i actually slept most of the night, and, felt like i had. i opened up my bible and read this verse:: psalm 62:1 :: my soul finds rest in God alone; He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress and i will never be shaken. 62:6-8:: (he repeats) Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him, He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress , i will not be shaken. my salvation and my honor depend on God; He is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in HIM at all times, o people; pour out your hearts to him for God is our refuge."

so here's to a day of resting in God. soul, spirit and all. 

{ the silence of the morning }

i woke up this morning to silence. after a night of tossing and turning crying out that God would answer these longings... these aches in my heart... here i am again in silence. its not that i think God isn't listen, isn't hurting with my hurt... maybe thats what makes it harder. i started reading in psalms... chapter 69, and this is what i found david saying:

 'Save me oh God, for the waters have come up to my neck. I sink in the miry depths where there is no foothold. i have come into the deep waters; the floods engulf me. I am worn out calling for help, my throat is parched. My eyes fail, looking for my God...but i pray to you O Lord, in the time of your favor; in Your great love, l God, answer me with your sure salvation. Rescue me from the mire, do not let me sink; deliver me from those who hate me, from the deep waters. Do not let the floodwaters engulf me or the depths swallow me up or the pit close its mouth over me. Answer me o Lord out of the goodness of your love; in your great mercy turn to me. Do not hide your face from your servant; answer me quickly, for i am in trouble. Come near and rescue me; redeem me because of my foes.... i am in pain and distress; may your salvation o God protect me. I will praise God's name in song and glorify him with thanksgiving. This will please the Lord more than an ox, more than a bull with its horns and hoofs. The poor will see and be glad - you who seek God may your hearts LIVE! The Lord hears the needy and does not depise his captive people. Let heaven and earth praise Him, the seas and all that move in them, for God will save Zion and rebuild the cities of Judah. Then the people will settle there and possess it; the children of his servants will inherit it, and those who love His name will dwell there.' 

something about reading a 'man after God's own heart' say that his throat has become parched from calling out for help makes my heart rest. its ok. its ok that i feel like i'm calling and not hearing. in my Spirit i know that this silence is all a part of something God is outworking in my heart that is cultivating and shaping faithfulness, trust ,perserverence and host of other things. i know that it is more than worth it. i know that time passes so much more quickly in retrospect... but in this very moment anger wants to rise up and scream out THIS ISN"T RIGHT... Max should be here with us... i'm crying out with all of me begging, pleading with God to give us another baby... and silence... BUT... i know that God is good. Therefore... i will be the silencer of anger and bitterness and i will praise God's name in song and glorify Him with thanksgiving; and as heaven and earth praise Him i will be praising along with Max our great God who is in heaven... who max is seeing face to face... and who i have yet too. and another day will pass and i WILL see the goodness of God today. 

...beautiful story...

i've been reading a blog lately which has been unexplainably comforting... hope giving... beautiful. 

its amazing how God can use stories from all across the world to bring hope and life. This is His church isn't it. All as one, building His kingdom and strengthening the hearts of His people, sometimes through His people. 

Amazing. 

so to you who watch:: may her story do the same for you:: as i'm sure it will x

her blog::

http://conorbootheandgirls.blogspot.com

the video::

{holding together}

this verse from colossians has always been one that shut my mouth and opened up my spirit. then i read it again this morning and something broke in me. i read this verse... For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together... and i couldn't help but be floored by the thought, the vision of God creating, knitting together, forming my little max... while he was invisible in my belly, then visible to our eyes, and then gone to glory... completely created for Him, the Glory of God. and HE is before all things, before the creation of Max, and in Him alone everything holds together... my life. my heart. our lives. our hearts. everything. He is holding us and He is holding us together. Reminded again that He is good and strong and we're going to be ok. 

=the whole verse=

Colossians 1:15-20

He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. And he is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have the supremacy. For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross.

[ journal ] march 3. 2008

There are all these things that God was stirring in me, in my heart right after max died. There are things that i don't understand how i was writing out ... truths about God that somehow seemed so much more real than ever before at a time when it seems they would be so much harder to believe. It only makes it so clear to me that in the times when it seems we are being so strong, truly we are weak and the strength of God is fully at hand. Our survival of these dark times is not based on our own adequacy but on the strength and grace of God. The more that i focus on His ability to save... restore.. the more that i can see his strength and restoration... 

The purpose of this blog is never to show how strong i seem... but only the grace of God which gives unexplainable strength... not always a pretty journey... but a real one... 

from my journal march 3 08. the day of max's funeral.

Today was a day i think you never imagine living through and that you never imagine how you would live through, but here we are on the backside of the day we laid our precious Max to rest and in the midst of such incredible pain and of a broken heart there is peace. The mender of hearts is at work and the presence of God is truly like a warm blanket. I can't believe i can breathe, but somehow each breath goes in and out the way it should, and moment by moment life moves on. 

Its so strange to all of the sudden feel this emptiness in my body - to feel one day completely inhabited by another and then the next feel so empty. Its an emptiness impossible to describe unless at one point you've felt its fullness. 

I know that right now, God, you are working amazing things out in my heart - stirring up things i never knew existed and strengthening my heart and my hands for the things ahead. There is such a drive and determination and passion  in me as never before to run this race and seek your heart and your face. And i believe that surely goodness and mercy will follow matty and i all the days of our lives. God i call our family blessed and i call the generations blessed that follow us. We are a family of life and abundance and this fire has refined and is refining us. The enemy is under our feet and is crushed beneath our heels and he will not have a foothold in any area or place in our lives. i declare and speak our marriage blessed. i thank you God that there is love deeper and stronger than ever conceived. I thankyou God that matty is prosporous and blessed at work - that everything that he puts his hands to is blessed. Thank you God that his memory is strong and wisdom exceeding - that he is integerous and honoured. Thank you God for our children to come, that they are healthy and strong. Thank you God that you see them now and they are blessed and healthy. Thank you that conception is going to be perfect and successful and joyful. You are wonderful God - your works are wonderful and i know that full well. You are our strength and our salvation and we praise you God. Surely the righteous will not be shaken - In our weakness God you are strong. and though my heart and my flesh may fail you are the strength of my heart. Thank you God for my beautiful son max. Thank you God that he was knit so perfectly together - that you formed his every part - from the tiny fingers i held and the little nose i kissed. What a perfect and beautiful creation my God. thank you that there are so many more to come.  -