{ love }

Q AND A.

2011-09-13T16:33:00.005+10:00

As tweeted... a little Q&A this post... :)

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE U.S. CITY....
Would it be right to say anything but St. Augustine, Florida? The place where i was born and raised.. where the sun shine's more often than not... where Barnacle Bills feels like home... where my mom and dad and brother and sister in law are right around the corner... and where surf groms roam free to cause trouble... yep, i definitely couldn't say anywhere else. :)

CAN WE BE PALS....
absolutely. the more pal's the merrier the gal. (ALMOST rhymed)

WHERE DO YOU FIND THE TIME TO BLOG....
well, i don't find it nearly often enough...because bible reading, writing, journaling and a few other heart things take precedence... but when i do find the time... i LOVE it.

WHEN YOU WERE IN THE WAITING...AND THE WAITING... DID YOU EVER HAVE DOUBTS & HOW DID YOU HANDLE THEM....
absolutely. I love 2 Corinthians 10:5 (MSG) "We use our powerful God-tools for smashing warped philosophies, tearing down barriers erected against the truth of God, fitting every loose thought and emotion and impulse into the structure of life shaped by Christ."
Waiting can be so painful, but one thing I decided would be more painful, was getting to the end of the waiting season and holding my God promise in my hands, and wishing I would have gleaned every single God moment and lesson from the waiting. I certainly didn't/don't have it all figured out, but that was one thing I held to.. as well as having verses like 2 Cor that were truths I would/do cling on to.

WHAT HAS GOD TAUGHT YOU ABOUT YOURSELF THROUGH BEING A MOM TO YOUR SWEET BABY....
phew... so many things i could never fit them all... selflessness... love in a new form... choosing to be thankful even when I'm tired and worn down... when you wait for a miracle baby and she comes, i decided i would never complain for what i begged God for... in every challenge, she reminds me of God's faithfulness, and i always remember in my heart those that are still waiting for their promise... it brings such perspective.

WHAT DO YOU DO TO GET READY TO WRITE... WHAT INSPIRES YOU....
writing is a discipline as well and an 'in the moment' expression... so when its a discipline, i make the space I'm writing in practical... computer ready to catch ideas, tv off, house tidy so it doesn't distract me, phone off... but preparation for the God moment expression of my heart is all in the preparation of every day... reading my bible, journaling, worshipping in the every day...
i get inspired by other music, by life moments of heart ache and thankfulness, by need, by the expression i feel in my heart like God is desiring to give the church to sing..

WHEN YOURS INSPIRED BY THE LORD TO WRITE A SONG, WHAT COMES FIRST FOR YOU? MELODY OR LYRICS....ooooo..... tough one... both... one ... the other... depends every time...

YOU ALWAYS SEEM TO BE SO HAPPY...HOW DO YOU KEEP IT UP?...
I believe ONE HUNDRED PERCENT with all my heart that you can ALWAYS find something to be thankful for. so even in the moments when life is the hardest, choosing to see and speak the good and choosing to give yourself perspective will change your outlook. Its really not hard to look around and realise how blessed we are... i decided a while ago that i would always choose to do that.

WHATS YOUR TAKE ON WALKING FORWARD IN FAITH VS. WAITING IN FAITH....
My take on that is to be a sheep.
Jesus said that His sheep know the sound of His voice... so, incidentally, i want to be a sheep.
I think that we need to be people that pray for wisdom and discernment so that in each individual situation we are hearing the Spirit of God and knowing when to walk forward and when to wait. Sometimes our waiting involves walking.

DO YOU HAVE PLANS ON RECORDING YOUR OWN ALBUM, WITH YOU OWN SONGS?
I love being a part of my local church, Hillsong Church, and writing for the house God has put me in... the album stuff just happens sometimes to be a part of that in our church.

DO YOU FEEL A DESIRE TO LEAD PEOPLE IN A DIFFERENT EXPRESSION OF WORSHIP OTHER THAN SINGING SONGS? IF SO, HOW?
I love interpretive dance. I'm pretty good at twirling.

WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE YOUR LIFE IS ON HOLD?
Love God with all your heart, mind, soul and strength... Love people... and flourish with what God has placed in your hand for the moment. He will never fail you...and every dream and hope that He has placed in your heart will come in time... the time between now and then has purpose beyond what you could ever imagine....

Hope you endured my rambling and poor grammar :)

xoxoxoxoxoxo

jilly

to mum with love.

2011-05-08T10:20:00.002+10:00

I blogged this week as a contributor for Hillsong Collected... follow the link if you should so choose :) and HAPPY MOTHERS DAY... to all the women...mothers spiritually or earthly...sisters...nanna's...daughters and all the rest... you are valued and loved xxxx

http://bit.ly/lNMwuw

Promises kept.

2011-05-05T15:02:00.002+10:00

I can't help but look at my bible and think how BIG it is. Its actually quite small in size but the spiritual weight of what it carries is so vast I can hardly comprehend that there's a 'pocket sized' version. Isn't it unbelievable that it is the Living Breathing Word of God? I can only assume (or hope?!) that I'm not the only person that has at times become complacent in reading it and diving into the depths of it... but there is always a point at which I pass by it on my nightstand, or couch, or chair or wherever it was last left and my heart almost leaps from my chest. Its like my soul has been parched in a desert and at the sight of the Living Water it can hardly contain itself.

I found myself in Romans 4 today... reading about the Faith of Abraham. My spirit melted in the moment I read Romans 4:21 "He was FULLY convinced that God is able to do whatever He promises". There's a list to go on about the promises that Abraham believed God for... not to say that He didn't struggle when He didn't understand how God would come through on His word...and even make mistakes... but He was counted by God as righteous because of his faith. I think one thing I have struggled with in the last few years is knowing full well in my heart that God's promises are sure and will stand against anything... but being caught in the gap of not understanding His timing and outworking - because its not my timing and I can't see how He will do what He said he will do. (pretty sure if i knew all those things that would make me God and that is just as ridiculous as it sounds hah!) I found so much comfort in Abrahams story... He left a legacy of faith and He was FULLY convinced of God's promises and the repercussions of that today are mind blowing. I am sitting in my living room on the couch, writing this, overwhelmed of God's faithfulness to Abraham and what that means for me sitting here today... and overwhelmed by God's faithfulness to me... even after a long journey... and what that will mean for maizey when she's sitting on her couch, in her living room one day, thinking of the faithfulness of God.

I could post it a million times and the truth of His promise would never lose power:: He is faithful. His timing is ALWAYS perfect. He is close to the broken. He is close to the seeking...and He is after the deepest part of your heart. He will keep His promise.

xxxx

celebrating.

2011-05-01T21:08:00.002+10:00

celebrate::::

1. Mark (a significant or happy day or event), typically with a social gathering:

2. Do something enjoyable to mark such an occasion:

There's not actually anyone that on this earth that I'd rather celebrate than my husband. He makes me smile the best and deepest smile that my heart could smile... and I am beyond in love with him. This weekend we've spent every day of it celebrating the amazing man, husband and father that he is. I love loving him...and i love the way that he loves me and our maizey...

i am so blessed... and FULL of thankfulness.

happy birthday to my baby cakes. i love you matty.

tea and other things.

2011-04-27T15:46:00.004+10:00

New favorite:: T2's 'creme brulee' Tea .

It is DELICIOUS. I mean delicious in that way that makes you want to pass up the cookie for the tea instead, or what the heck, just have the cookie and the tea. :) I find myself curled up on the couch around three or so with my cup of tea and a book (most recently a re-read of an old favorite - hinds feet in high places)... those moments of quiet and time to sit and rest are what fuel my life at the moment. Which leads me on to the thought I have for this little post.

1 Corinthians 13

The Way of Love

¹ If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. ²If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing. ^3-7If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love.

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

^8-10Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be canceled.

¹¹When I was an infant at my mother's breast, I gurgled and cooed like any infant. When I grew up, I left those infant ways for good.

¹²We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!

¹³But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.

To say that this brings my whole being to a stand still would probably be the only accurate way to describe this. How can we read and not be changed. The word is so clear... we can use our words to sound how we want to sound, tweet our way in to the hearts of the world, and make ourselves sound like who we want to be deep inside... but without love... its nothing. Today I resolve again that everything I do would be birthed from a place of real Love.

xxxx

me&maizey

a little reminder.

2011-03-14T00:15:00.002+11:00

just reading this verse as i was going to sleep and had to share it...i remember this promise from God over 2 years ago not long after max was gone... and just was overwhelmed by it tonight...
He really is so faithful.

"See! The winter is past, the rains are over and gone. Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come, the cooing of doves is heard in our land. The fig tree forms its early fruit, the blossoming vines spread their fragrance. Arise, come my darling; my beautiful one, come with me. " Song of Songs 2:11-13

the victory blog.

2011-03-13T23:24:00.006+11:00

well. i was wondering when i would FINALLY get my head in a space to write something making some sort of sense that was more than a couple sentences long... and here i am at 1130pm on a sunday evening with the NSW road works team hard at work outside my door on the road in front of our house... lights and jackhammers blaring at full brightness and volume... guess God was gonna find a way to keep me up somehow. looks like this is it.

JOKING. that actually is the scene outside my window, but my heart has been stirring to write. i still feel like im in the 'new baby bubble'... really still in shock that my little answer to prayer/miracle/victory baby is in my arms... and that she is safe and sound...thriving...perfect to me in every way. reflecting on the last few years of life seemed almost to painful at first... i couldn't figure out why... and then i realised, having Maizey here is like holding your breath until you are almost passing out and then getting that saving breath. i just took that breath with her.

SO here are the stats.

She's my living breathing gorgeous little reminder that God is so faithful. that after 3 years of waiting God knew my every day cry for a baby of my own again, and He was so faithful in placing each moment of our story so far together. Every day with Haylee was mapped out in His perfect plan, and knowing that if I would have had my way and been pregnant any sooner, we may not have had haylee in our world, is just one more reminder of His faithfulness. He has been so good to us in every moment of every season so far... unchanging in His love... unwavering in His quest to see the very best for us... knowing what taking in haylee would do for our hearts and how we would grow and knowing how to stretch us to be more like Him. I feel like i'm deep in the river right now... a stone underneath the waters being smoothed over and crafted to His design... and while my edges rough and ragged must be washed over by His strong currents the result is so worth the wearing down. I can see how much farther to go ... i know that this side of eternity we will be always crafted and refined by the Maker... but now i love the process, however hard and trying. Its amazing how God does that... teaches us to love his crafting, and in seasons where we've walked through a valley, teaches us to see His faithfulness. He is always so close...EMMANUEL.

i could go on and on. i'm walking on air. my miracle is here and i could stare at her all day every day. Thankfulness overwhelms me. i find myself so aware and with those on my heart that are walking in a season like i've been in... and praying that God would give them the grace to keep walking in the most trying of days... and in His mercy carry them on the days when walking comes to crawling comes to exhaustion. All of those feelings and hurts are so real in the valley... BUT... victory is coming... it always does... not always in our timing or plan... but God is faithful and victorious. He is on our side.

i feel like half of me is typing in baby brain... half in normality...but it is now midnight... and my eyes are feeling heavy. i'm so glad i finally could sit and type a little. more to come. this journey is just beginning...

here's some photos :::::

the day maizey was born::

a week or so old:::

with one happy papa:::

just a few more :::

the final weeks.

2010-11-09T12:42:00.003+11:00

I honestly have to say I can hardly believe I am writing this, still pregnant, at 34 weeks...or 8 1/2 months... it feels so surreal. like... totally surreal.

All my heart keeps whispering throughout my last weeks & months over and over is 'God is so good'... and there is this soft refrain that keeps singing 'victory', and a beautiful knowing that the enemy is defeated by the power of our mighty God. The enemy was always defeated, even before this victory of a little girl growing healthy in my tum... but to see the outworking of such a victory...it brings that glorious defeat to the forefront of my mind constantly. It is a constant reminder that all those things I know are so wonderfully true are playing out in a story of life right in front of my eyes.

It has certainly been an adventure, a ride of wild curves and swerves as we've made our way through the last months. I spent about a week in hospital at 29 weeks after our little maizey made an attempt at escaping a little early... and all was well after some precautions were taken... and again God was faithful and Maizey was healthy and happy with a bit of encouagement to stay put. Then, this past Sunday, we gathered together as a church family to record the 2011 Hillsong Live Album marking another year since losing our Max and marking a huge miracle victory as I had the privilage of standing and singing while carrying our healthy baby girl in my womb.

It seems as I type all of this, that I'm again overwhelmed by the simple fact that the story is just that... its the facts belonging to such a greater picture. Important? Absolutely! Our stories are so vitally important... but as I think about the story that is our (matty and my) lives together, I see so clearly that they only frame the substance which really matters and is true no matter what the up or down of the story is at the moment. The truth and the substance that is the constant, that makes up the fabric of who we are in every season is Jesus... the JOY of that washes me over. He will never change... No matter what comes in life... He will always be the center of our lives... and as the story frames the substance of us... we always live with the same truth and hope.

Maybe its just my pregnant brain as I type this all out, but I feel like there's a revelation in my heart today. I'm so beyond thankful for this beautiful baby that will be in my arms soon. Lord knows, she's been prayed for and so long awaited... but i'm also very aware that there are so many of you that are still in the waiting season... waiting for your promise... waiting for the answer you've been crying out for... and I feel like God's saying so clearly to let Him be your substance and to let him frame your life with a story that will glorify the substance that makes you up. He will never stop being faithful and true... and in the waiting He will be glorified as the constant in your heart and life.

i'll leave you with a little photo of late. the 34 week equator shot ... its getting harder and harder to take these simply out of vanity! ha!

As well a little update on Haylee (if you don't recall, she was our foster daughter for a little over a year)... she's doing great! She is about to be fully restored to her dad, so we are praying for him every day, believing he is going to be the very best dad she could have ever had... believing for his absolutely success in life and the next few years learning how to parent a toddler. We saw Haylee for what will most likely be the last time a couple weeks ago and she was BEAUTIFUL of course, walking and chatting and being the absolute treasure she always is...

xxxx

OH MY!

2010-09-12T15:41:00.003+10:00

well... i'm still growing! yay! and at our scan of 25 wks last week so was our little one.
she does cheekily keep trying to make early appearances... i'm hoping that she's getting her wild side out of the way while she is 'womb-bound' ... then the perfect little angel that i know she is can be forever present from when shes born... over ambitious??? ha!

here's a blurry one.
and a bit of chubby cheeks on that face of hers...

i'm in love.

................................

in other news...

After a few weeks of no computer internet access *just phone* ...
we are back online.
moved in to our new place thanks to our amazing friends.
& SOOOOOO happy here.

i can't wait to sit and write again... for now though.. a sunday afternoon sleep is in order...

*snoooorr*

xx

and so we propose a toast.

2010-08-26T10:27:00.005+10:00

{sfgirlbybay}

The best thing about yesterday was sitting on a park bench in bondi beach and 12:05 pm... my best friend Karalee by my side... with sparkling parkers organic juices... toasting. We toasted max kingston and how precious his life was when it entered the world at that point in my pregnancy last time... and in effect toasted the little victories that God has given to get me and matty to this point... and we toasted our little girl.. still in my tummy... still growing... and staying put.

I realised again, that sometimes in life its the little victories in the every day that make the big ones seem so much closer.

Oh victory, in Jesus
My Saviour
Forever
He sought me
& bought me
With His redeeming blood
He loved me 'ere
I knew Him
And all my love
Is due Him
He plunged me
To victory
Beneath the cleansing flood.
{words and music E.M. Bartlett}

alarm clock.

2010-08-22T06:23:00.002+10:00

It would seem my body already has some sort of internal alarm set to prepare me for this baby. 4:45am and i was WIDE awake... i tossed and turned for a while... tried to think about nothing... thought about everything... even tried a trick a friend taught me ages ago, where you picture a roll of toilet paper right up close to your nose, and watch it roll around over and over.... (this of course must be a white roll.. no fancy decorative rolls... its totally the new counting sheep?? Ha!)... however, this didn't bring the sleep I was so desperately after. After a good hour of fighting my 'awakeness'... I got up... fumbled around for my contacts... put on the kettle... and now I'm sitting computer side with my cup of 'sydney breakfast' tea from T2 (FAVORITE-thx mia fieldes) and rambling off my early Sunday thoughts to you. I feel like I should apologize now... or maybe just hold down the delete button and start again????

We are moving in exactly a week.
I say we, but I actually won't be participating aside from maybe directing a little. When we worked out that this would be the time we needed to move, part of me thought... umm... perfect... this is gonna be an easy one for me... considering I'm not allowed to actually move anything! That is totally selfish... I know... but I try to be a teller of truths. Considering we only moved into our current place about 4 months ago, another move is daunting.... not only for us... but probably more so for our amazing and generous friends who always come show up with willing hands to speed up the process. or just make it possible!

Turns out tho, I'm WAY more of a control freak than I previously thought.

Surely, we all battle the 'control everything' side of our human nature.... or maybe some the opposite 'couldn't care less side'... but being high risk pregnant, with a side of surgery, and moving on the week which coincidentally was the week we lost our little max on (we are 23 wks yesterday and max came at 23wks and 5 days)... means that I won't be doing much of anything. I'm going crazy. I think my mind runs at a bazillion miles per hour with what we need to pack, how we need to pack it, how we can make moving the least complicated for the actual move and when it comes to unpacking, what and when we should move which items... am I sounding crazy to you??? Even as I write it, I shudder to think what my husband must think of this crazy woman he married! ha! I mean, seriously friends, I have plans to draw a diagram of the house to place on each box and mark where in what rooms the boxes go... and even contemplated colour coordinating boxes to items which I can't pack on my own. ?!

Its not that there's anything wrong with any of these things... being organized is great... its a good quality... but what I'm finding God is teaching me ... is to LET GO. These are NOT the things that need to be keeping me up, mind racing. I have decided that I'm going to consciously choose and let God make this side of my personality work as my greatest asset and not a hindrance. If I am going to be kept awake by something, the absolute truest reality, is that I would hope that it would WAY more often being children without mothers, women in captivity, people oppressed and needing hope... not how many boxes still need my new home diagram on them. The stark contrast of putting those things even side by side in the same sentence only reiterates my point to myself. PERSPECTIVE MCCLOGHRY. perspective.

seriously. perspective...it changes everything.

Its is so much easier to focus controlling the things that are small and in our grasp(obviously!)...its easier to think on those things...to let them quietly become the things that consume us... maybe its easier because we can see the problem and the solution all at once. I suppose the challenge we face is understanding and knowing (not just in our heads but really knowing in our hearts) that even the biggest problems on the earth can contain both the problem and solution in the same view... and His name is Jesus. It is much harder to face the mountains, stand in faith, believing for the impossible and trusting in the unseen... speaking things are not yet as though they were and actually and truly resting in the confidence that He is the answer and He will come thru... and with the biggest things we see or know are happening, that though the solution might not right now be in our head, in our heart or in our hands... each step with the Saviour of the world... each obedience... each small or large practical God placed step... puts us hand in hand with THE SOLUTION... as we walk out the steps to heavens answer...

I'm not sure how discernible this post is going to be when my brain is actually functioning with all cylinders firing (wait...not sure that happens ever? haha)... but hoping something good and life giving comes your way from it... xxx jilly

home is where.

2010-08-20T15:28:00.005+10:00

{5Gardenias}

Home is where the heart is.

short and sweet... but as a girl thousands of miles from my family... i just was loving that thought today.

xx

oh and you seriously leave the most wonderful ...lovely... encouraging comments. some at the most appropriate of times. pretty amazing. so thanks!!

i can feel it.

2010-08-15T13:30:00.004+10:00

Change... It's past, present and future.

I can see it as I think about the last year of our lives...
I can feel it right now stirring in my heart...
I am full of expectation for what the future is going to hold, as it takes its hold on whatever part of our lives that it is meant to.

I don't fear it...as a matter of fact...I love it. It always costs something, and always brings best out of everything that I am...well... eventually. ha! Sometimes that's a process that takes a lot longer than I would like. Sometimes its messy... sometimes its not pretty... but somehow... I know its worth it.

The obvious change is upon me as our little girl is growing bit by bit. I know that every day is a miracle and I'm so thankful for every moment that my little girl stays in my tummy...

Just wanted to do a quick post and share this photo. 22 wks today & counting.

OH!

{{and tell you that i LOVE your comments. and i will definitely be addressing some of them specifically soon. }}

xxxx

the biggest little treasure.

2010-08-11T13:30:00.004+10:00

meet our little girl.
She even waves. Its like southern hospitality is woven into her involuntarily!

She is the biggest little treasure. I can't believe that after such a long wait for her.. so many prayers... tears... hopes... she is FINALLY in my tummy growing and thriving... THANK YOU JESUS!

Its always easier to sit on this side of the journey and talk about how Gods timing is perfect and how you can all of the sudden see how He had a plan and purpose for all the waiting. To that I would say, well, of course it feels better with the joy of my heart in my womb... but I don't understand the waiting any more than I did before. I am, however, just as sure now as ever, if not more, certain that God has perfect timing... and whatever His reason or plan might be... I am for it... on board... will choose to lay my life and dreams down... for His cause and His purpose. Is that the easy choice?... absolutely not... but its the one that leaves me with joy in my heart and hope in my hands... no matter what He has granted so far.
That is what I have resolved.

A couple weeks ago I went in for an ultrasound (I have these more frequently than normal as I am 'classified' now as high risk pregnancy).. these are for the purpose of making sure its all going the right way etc etc... we walked in thinking it was going to be fine as usual. We have walked in to this pregnancy full of faith for a healthy baby... aware of, but not dwelling, or expecting complications. We left that ultrasound with heart stopping news. There was a problem with an area of the ultrasound requiring that I have surgery as soon as possible to combat my body from continuing down the road it seemingly was on to another premature labour.
Talk about shock.
I'm sitting there thinking... this can't be happening again... God, WHERE ARE YOU???
Is my little girl going to be ok... i can't believe i thought this was all going to be normal...
(I'm just being brutally honest here). I felt like someone shot me in the chest.

These are all normal reactions. The problem becomes letting these thoughts take you captive. The solution... TAKING these thoughts captive.

2 Corinthians 10:3-5
For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. ⁴The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. ⁵We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

SO... as the enemy began his attack on my heart... Gracious Jesus stepped in with truth that is sewn in to the fabric of who I am... and truth began spilling on every doubt.

I.E. ::: This is not history repeating itself. God IS doing a new thing. Where is God?... RIGHT HERE... in this room with me...in my heart... in my everything...He IS in control... He IS right now knitting our little girl together in my womb part by part, every piece of who she is... and it is going to be OK.

I made a choice right then to not entertain thoughts that are contrary to what God says about my situation. He is mighty and great... and has us right in the palm of His hand. That is always the safest place to be.

{it's also helping to have things like this on my wall}
So now, surgery complete... home staying off my feet... and lots of time on my hands... I've been able to think about PLENTY. One thing I know is whatever God does in these next months... I am going to trust Him. I'm believing completely and am full of faith for a perfectly healthy baby... born at just the right time. I have also resolved that whatever happens... I will be ok with it. I don't claim to know what God is doing... I just know that everything is going to be ok... whatever everything ends up looking like... its going to be ok. God will never be out of control of what is happening... and His ways will always be higher than mine... His thoughts higher than mine....and no matter what, I won't stop praising Him... and let me tell you... when this baby girl is in my arms for the first time... healthy and perfect... you might here the celebrations of heaven and earth in that room from where your reading this. It is going to be a HAPPY day... :)

I would ask you to pray for our little girl as she keeps growing... there's quite a few milestones for us to pass in the coming months before she arrives... and prayer changes things... so we would love yours. I'll be 22 weeks on Saturday praise God... and plenty more of those week celebrations to come!

In other news... my husband is amazing and becoming quite the cook.. laundry man... general house duties man... grocery shopper and plenty more{AND} I have the best friends in the world. They frequently pop by with meals... groceries... to clean my house... bring flowers...take our dog for a walk...& the list goes on and on. Isn't it amazing how the family of God shines so beautiful in these moments. There are SO many beautiful things about where we are at this very moment... and to many things to count that I'm praising God for.

xxxxx

jill

OH. and thought i'd throw in these photos for a little glimpse at my amazing hubs coping with hospital stay life.... glad we weren't there long... ha!

{he can sleep anywhere}
{they tagged me}
{beautiful flowers from my mom and dad}
{sleeping arrangements for the night}

::time.... is on my side::

2010-08-04T18:13:00.006+10:00

The wild thing about having a one year old little princess wildly running around the house, is that it seemingly leaves no time for much else in the day.
Ok, thats probably an exaggeration... she's not actually even walking yet... just this wildly speedy crab crawl that leaves one leg constantly underneath and one half walking... and time, well... there is minimal... enough to take showers, wash dishes, do the laundry and grocery shopping and every once and a while duck up to the cafe for a much needed cuppa.
In the last months we've also moved... which was an adventure that has us in a beautiful flat offering much more space than the old one... as well as heating that comes with the touch of a button and the speed of a rocket and leaves my american toes toasty warm.
We've had an amazing Hillsong Conference, where I was again left speechless at the glory and strength of a mighty and wonderful God. I also got to spend precious days and moments with one of my closest friends, Christy, who was here to be a guest at conference... If you've ever lived in a place far from what you always knew, you would completely understand how much a visit from a close friend is like jumping in a freshwater spring on a hot day... AMAZING.
I got to spend some time in the studio doing vocals on some of the most beautiful and worshipful songs my heart has sung... the boys working hard on the new Hillsong United album have pushed the limits and the Holy creativity God is bringing through their gifts has left my heart anticipating and expecting...

So... thats a little catch up on the happenings of us mccloghrys for the past few months :)

To catch you up on our hearts and our little girl... the last night of Hillsong Conference, just before we were ready to go and lead the the amazing church that had gathered in worship, I got a phone call. We have been waiting to hear whether or not our precious girl would be able to stay with us permanently or would be restored to her father. I have to say so that you have our hearts perspective and desire, that we wanted her to stay more than I could express because of our deep love for her... but... more than that, we wanted Gods very best for her life. On top of that, God has put in our hearts a love for her father... he is loved by God as much as everyONE and i know God is after his precious heart. So there is a lot stirring beneath this phone call. I answered and was given the news that the courts decided Haylee would be returned to her father.
Crushing to my heart that loves her so much... there's a real grief that comes along with the news when youve have a beautiful girl for the first year of her life and love her much more than the most delicious of tim tams. (if you know how much i love tim tams you will understand the how much i mean)
Crushing because I know that God is in it and weaving together His perfect plan and it is all going to be ok.
And here's where we reverse...
NOT CRUSHING. because the Word says...
We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed.
2 Corinthians 4:8-9
Once again i found myself facing a situation that, if i allowed it could wildly change who i thought God is...How, in my small mindedness, somehow i feel that if i just "pray really hard" that God will give me what i want... somehow, the mighty God of the universe, creator of everything, gets reduced in my head to wishing on a star. Ridiculous comparison, trust me, i know it is... but do you see where i'm coming from? What is it in us that takes "ask and you shall receive" to mean writing a christmas list to santa claus. I'm not going to go theological here... i'm not the person to do it... there are plenty of others who've done that with this exact verse, and done it unbelievably well... but i hope you hear my heart...
I believe that prayer changes things. I believe that we can come against the tactics of the enemy as he is out to steal-kill & destroy... and that we have authority in Jesus name to stand against what he has set out to accomplish and bind him in the Name and by the Power of the Lord Jesus Christ. Believe me i wholeheartedly do that.
I know God loves me. I know that He wants to give me the desires of my heart. I also know He loves me to much to tick of my santa claus list with things that aren't His best. I know that He is so vast, His thoughts so much higher than my thoughts...His ways SO much higher than my ways... that it would be utterly ridiculous for me to assume I know what He is up to. Which is where believing for His kingdom to come, and His will be done in every situation is where i know my heart must lie.
When the decision for where my heart has so tenderly been, comes...when all my seeking, praying, believing and trusting reach the culmination of that phone call... and the choice is again in front of me... who will i trust? I know in my heart that God has had the victory. That He is never untrustworthy. He is hope and salvation. That in this decision there is hope for a beautiful little girl who will be with her dad like God intended...that God is so in love with her dad and after his heart to mend and heal him.. and that my role was always to pray for him and believe in him and have a heart that wants to see his life restored and our little girls life to be right with his...AHHH... isn't it amazing how when God perspective reaches our hearts... when we see through the eyes of Jesus... that everything changes. Does it still hurt... oh my gosh... it HURTS.. but it hurts with a joy that lifts that hurt from the ashes and fills it with life. When you know who holds the future... the future always looks beautiful.

So the chaos in our house has quieted for the moment... and there is a lot of time. To sit, to dream, to write... this time is gold and so precious... and i'm so thankful for every moment.

I hope that helps you in some way... i feel like we are all on this wild journey of life... and the discovering of our amazing God and how He is SO much more vast than we ever could imagine... and sometimes its rocky... and it hurts... but there is always beauty for ashes... no matter how big or small the bump in the road might seem to you. We are all on a journey... and its ok to feel how you feel... just remember that God isn't scared of your feelings... and the best place for them is in his hands. He is a safe place.

I've typed a novel here... so i'll save what else i was going to write for the next entry...

xxxxxxxx

hackett to my soul.

2010-03-18T11:08:00.003+11:00

what a week.

all i can say at this point is that an amazing worship cd will get you through times of joy and times of brokeness and if you're looking for one try this one:::

http://forerunnermediagroup.com/Groups/1000048438/Forerunner_Media_Group/Forerunner_Music/Artists/Laura_Hackett/Laura_Hackett.aspx

Laura Hackett.

i can't turn it off... or even down...

phew.... LOVING IT.

she sings to my soul. the Spirit of God was so present and full as this blasted thru my house.

i've been soaking up the Nov 2009 album, some favorites::: Beautiful Mercy & There's a Gap.

hope you enjoy xx

{ happy 2nd birthday baby boy }

2010-03-05T16:18:00.004+11:00

I couldn't have imagined what it would feel like to wake up Saturday morning and realise that it somehow had been 2 years since Max and come & gone. I was so angry. Angry that it happened, angry that it has been 2 years and we are still waiting to see two lines on a pregnancy test, angry that life seemed to move on like nothing ever happened for everyone else ... and yet we still feel this huge hole. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel like this every day. In fact, these days...most days, I feel completly normal. I have an amazing life, amazing husband, beautiful baby girl and much more & I think about Max every day... but usually its not so painful... its a beautiful happy memory... so I suppose I was a little suprised to feel this way.

Here's the thing though...

Something in me knew that I couldn't stay in bed all day. As much as I wanted to recluse... I knew, with everything in me, that I needed to get up and face the day.

And we did.

We spent the day in Palm Beach, NSW (about an hour from our house), on the beach, with a picnic/my brother and sister in law/our haylee and a big bunch of blue balloons to celebrate Max::: then that night we went to dinner at a beautiful restaurant by the Opera House and let our balloons rise to the sky as matty whispered a little "happy birthday Maxy"... and it was beautiful.

It was a beautiful day : to remember a beautiful boy : who changed our lives forever.

The more the day went on, the more I realised how much Max is a part of my life. I realised that the person that I have become is so much in part to what happened when Max was born, and what happened when he died. Living that day and seeing the things we saw and the way we wept isn't easy... but the fact that we are more in love, that we love God more than I could have ever imagined, and that our capacity as people and servants in the kingdom is so much greater/different makes me see that somehow its a beautiful thing. I would do anything to have a little two year old boy called Max playing with his trucks on the floor as I blog... but at the same time, I wouldn't change anything about the last two years because somehow the place God has brought us to makes it all worth it. Like the Word says... HIS LOVE is BETTER than life. ::: I know this verse so differently now. And He always reminds me of his loving-kindness... and faithfulness. He is our Sustainer... Comforter... closest Friend.

SO.

I learned...

:that its ok for moments/days/trials to get to you...
:its ok to deal with the emotions that we naturally have...
:its ok to suprise yourself...
:its not ok to wallow in a pool of self-pity because you throw chains all over yourself and miss the ability God has to make all things beautiful...
:that God is in EVERYTHING::but if you shut off, there's a good chance you'll miss Him and accuse Him of being absent...

This blog has always been about being open about where I am with this whole loss/life/moving on thing... so i hope that its serving its purpose... i'm just on a journey... and i know its heaven focused ... and the Holy Spirit has a lot to teach me still on the walk... but i'm gonna keep walking:::

thats all for now x x x x
jilly

the new colossus.

2009-12-07T09:49:00.002+11:00

"The New Colossus" is a sonnet by Emma Lazarus (1849-1887), written in 1883 and, in 1903, engraved on a bronze plaque and mounted inside the Statue of Liberty.

"Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"

—Emma Lazarus, 1883

This kept creeping into my thoughts the last few days as I've been a bit homesick for America. Isn't it amazing the foundations that the United States was built upon?? I know, I know... its far from its foundations at times it seems... but still, under the years and years of politics, poor decisions etc etc... this was proclaimed... a call for the broken and lost to find light and be welcomed in. What a beautiful picture. You can't help but see the likeness to our invitation from Jesus...

I love this invitation. I needed it. I accepted it. It changed my life forever.

sobering thoughts.

2009-12-05T08:19:00.002+11:00

There is something absolutely sobering about life and death. When it visits your doorstep, or a house very close, the reality of how short life really is comes soaring home.

This past week a good friends little brother passed away, unexpectedly, alarmingly, it was something no one would have seen coming. The shock of it resounded in our house and throughout so many homes around us as we mourned and grieved with our friend and we reminded and all to aware that life is but a vapor. The same evening, a good friend gave birth to a beautiful baby girl in a hospital not to far away from our home. It struck a chord in me, that this is life, full of joys and sorrows... that we live in a world plagued by the truth that it is not our eternal home. This place, after the fall of man, was never again meant to be a place that we would live forever. I feel somehow renewed knowing that in this sorrow there is also such great rejoicing, as our beautiful friend is in heaven right now rejoicing with the angels:: and whilst we are left here on earth, there is much to be done before we see him again.

So, in these hard days after such a loss, we are mourning with those who mourn... and speaking hope and life::offering love unconditional::and a shoulder to cry on.

As for the other side, the beautiful baby girl that was born, she is such a promise of hope and life just by taking her first breath, that I am still absolutely overwhelmed at her perfection! (and i'm totally gonna go see her tomorrow and have cuddles!!)

the Spirit hovers.

2009-11-30T08:06:00.003+11:00

on this beautiful monday morning i have been arrested by hope, once again. As i flipped open the thin almost transparent paper of my leather bound bible, i couldn't even make it past the first couple verses-of the first chapter-of the first book. Something in my heart prompted me as i opened the Book of books, to take the title page-index page-so on page by page until i ended up at Genesis 1:1 and began reading. When i say it arrested me, i mean in that way that my whole being was absolutely overtaken by the beauty of His word for us. Weeping in my large white arm chair i have realised once again this morning the hope He extends to each of us.

i'll begin with you were i started not much earlier this day:

Genesis 1:1-2
'The Beginning"

"In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. Now the earth was formless & empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep & the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters."

I don't know how to convey what God did in my heart, to translate it off the pages of my journal to this post:: so i'm going to give you the words straight off the page of my journal:: please understand that i don't ever do this lightly... as the words that happen in the pages of my journal are the closest parts of my heart:: I hope that it somehow reaches you the way He reached me this morning::

::::::::::God-the absolute beauty that there was nothing, and you were there, in an earth that was unformed : barren : desolate : empty : Your beautiful Spirit was hovering ... You were THERE my beautiful God... out of nothing you created. I look at the beauty of this earth - every flower and tree, the vast expanse of the ocean and I am so overwhelmed that in Your glorious & wonderful imagination You formed all that i see. My whole being springs to joy & life; knowing that even in the seemingly barreness of my womb Your Spirit is hovering_waiting_to create... You are imagining the child that is to come, with Your wild and beautiful imagination, You ARE creating_TRULY_You make the barren woman sing_You bring Life_and healing.:::::::::::::::

Something about this verse - i just saw the pieces of my soul - where i am waiting for all these dreams - that even where it seems empty and unformed and just a dream - that the Spirit is hovering... creating... and the expanse of what He can create is ENDLESS... BOUNDLESS...

and i feel He is saying to us this morning:::

I AM HOVERING ...master of a craft .. an artist with brush in hand ... dreaming up the glorious thing(s) that i am about to create... don't underestimate that I know no bounds...

well:: baby is awake :: i can hear little squeals of delight coming from the nursery so i'm off :-)
:::::::

love xx jilly

.well hello old friends. its been to long.

2009-11-27T22:24:00.006+11:00

well... in light of the fact that it has been about a bazzzzilllliooonnnn years since i have posted anything on this blog... yeah, well its about time. I suppose that i just needed to "move on" in the sense that i just had to keep myself from dwelling and just get on with living and loving God and life and everything that is amazing about the world that God has put me in. Don't get me wrong, pretty much every day is filled with thoughts of our precious Max... actually i've had dreams, and call me crazy, but full on moments where the grace of God gave me special well, moments, with my Max... so he has NEVER been even close to being far from thought... but hopefully you know what i mean by getting on with life. anyhow. that said, its been in my heart to start up a bit of a blog about the journey. especially considering the current times... and our growing family...
please excuse the fact that i hardly ever capitalize anything, as well as frequently jump from aussie to american english. it, in fact, is the nature of the fact that i grew up american and now am officially a permanent resident of australia. *but will forever be an american at heart* sigh*i love america* to give an update on the past months, well, i'll just do my best ! We are in fact parents. i know right... WHOA! So let me explain.. huey: is 6 months old and is our handsome golden retriever. He gives the most slobbery kisses in the world. i love him xx

now our second child will need a little explaining.. but i can't actually explain anything. so bear with me. We had it on our hearts to become foster carers. So after a lot of prayer, meetings, courses, and assesments, we were approved as short term carers... phew. Then one day, at 3pm, we got a call from the agency, and they dropped off the most beautiful/stunning/sweet/baby bundle i have ever seen at our door at 5pm. so INSTANT mommyhood. Now... yes i was unbelievably overwhelmed with love and excitement for this precious girl. and also, as i closed the door, overwhelmed with and OHMYGOSH moment... as in... i have never been a mommy at home before...with a baby... all by myself... i mean... i've been a nanny... i know the basics... but OHMYGOSH... i'm totally in charge... WHOA! Our princess was 11weeks old when she came and now shes just turning 6mths. We are in heaven. I have no idea how long we will have her...who knows... ? God knows. And she has an amazing Father in heaven that knows exactly what she needs and when. So we are trusting... trusting God with our hearts as we love unconditionally, and trusting him with this beautiful girl who's in our lives. *no pics allowed at this point* :) although i would LOVE to show you how absolutely beautiful she is!!

Its a beautiful place to be. just trusting. i'm sensing this is a theme. God is really teaching us thoroughly. and i'm SO glad. so. thats all for now. just an update. love x jilly

breeeeezy.

2009-03-05T09:36:00.002+11:00

ahhh i LOVE the cool breeze blowing off the harbour this morning. It felt so nice waking up to it and snuggling under the doona one last time this morning after pushing snooze...

there's nothing like the feeling of something refreshing :: a cool breeze after a hot summer, a huge glass of cold water after a run (not that running happens often in my life unless someones chasing me... ha!), diving into a swimming pool after a sunbake... you know what i mean...

those examples all sound so frivolous in light of the following excerpt, but never the less they are what we relate to in our corner of the world that we live in... we are so blessed to enjoy the things we do...

Refreshing:::::::::: (as from merriam-webster.com)

Main Entry: re-fresh-ing

Function: adjective

Date: circa 1580

: serving to refresh; especially : agreeably stimulationg because of freshness or newness refreshing change of pace >

it was refreshing to read some good news this morning... in the Autumn 2009 Compassion Magazine there was a Q&A with Dr Laurent Mbanda about his home country and the story of the the Rwandan genocide. When asked 'How has the country changed?', he replies::

"Rwanda has had an amazing recovery and extraordinary progress since the genocide, on many fronts, but especially in the fight against poverty. Rwanda's economic growth rate of over 10 percent a year is an unbelievable success story. It has the highest number of female leaders of any parliament in the world; the country enjoys peace, security throughout and visionary leadership. It is a story of success and model of good governance in the region. Reconciliation is taking hold, the country and people are turning to the Lord. Rwanda is a country committed to "never again genocide in Rwanda".

the movements of your heart

2009-03-04T08:55:00.003+11:00

GOOOOOOD MORNING!

I was just reading this morning from "The Ransomed Heart" ... its a collection of devotional readings from the best selling works of John Eldredge and was LOVING this chunk of one of his books...

The Movements of Your Heart

All sorts of awful things can seem to issue from your heart – anger, lust, fear petty jealousies. If you think it’s you, a reflection of what’s really going on in your heart, it will disable you. It could stop your journey dead in its tracks. What you’ve encountered is either the voice of your flesh or an attempt of the Enemy to distress you by throwing all sorts of thoughts your way and blaming you for it. You must proceed on this assumption: your heart is good. If it seems that some foul thing is at work there, say to yourself, Well then – this is not my heart. My heart is good, I reject this. Remember Paul in Romans 7? This is not me. This is not me. And carry on in your journey. Over time you’ll grow familiar with the movements of your heart, and who is trying to influence you there.

We do the same with any counsel or word that presents itself as being from God, but contradicts what he has said to us in his written Word. We walk with wisdom and revelation. When I hear something that seems really unwise, I test it again and again before I launch out. The flesh will try to use your “freedom” to get you to do things you shouldn’t do. And now that the Enemy knows you are trying to walk with God and tune in to your heart, he’ll play the ventriloquist and try to deceive you there. Any “word” or suggestion that brings discouragement, condemnation, accusation = that is not from God. Neither is confusion, nor any counsel that would lead you to disobey what you do know. Reject it all, and carry on in your journey. Yes, of course, God needs to convict us of sin, warn us of wrong movements in our soul – but the voice of God is never condemning (Romans 8:1), never harsh or accusing. His conviction brings a desire for repentance; Satan’s accusation kills our hearts (2 Corinthians 7:10).

(Waking the Dead, 105-6)

happy new year::

2009-03-04T08:26:00.003+11:00

So, I realise that it is not actually the new year ... i.e. it did not just turn 2009...but for me... its a new year. February 27 has passed and one year has gone by since my precious little Maxy was taken to glory... we had a super fun birthday party for him and celebrated his life... and it was amazing... and we had yummy cake too!

I'm looking back on this last year and realise the beautiful things God has been doing. He has been so merciful in letting me pour my heart out, (sometimes in the most un-graceful sort of ways!) and I feel as though I've been more than ever before the throne of grace "just as i am". So here's the thing: It has been a year and I don't want to be the same person this year that I was last year. I won't let the Enemy keep me down or win in ANY way when it comes to depression or disengagement... so I'm just saying... this year is going to be different. I'm making the choice... I'm stepping in line with Jesus and what he did on the cross and believing that by HIS stripes I am mended and healed! He is the restorer of my heart and i know that what He's been doing in me in this last year has all culminated to this time that I now have to stand up again and begin to take steps and choose to not shrink back but move forward in all that God is laying out... and know that He is lighting the path for every step.

I have an amazing God, and amazing husband, an amazing family, an amazing church, amazing friends... so as you can see... life is amazing! My little Max is up in heaven and he's cheering Matty and I on because he is experiencing the glory of God, his glorious presence face to face, and he knows now fully what we only see in part... (I can't wait to be there too-in Gods timing of course ha!!) I still miss him so much, but shivers, I can't live in that moment that happened a year ago forever - all I can do is love the beautiful time I had with Max and carry it with me as pure joy... and let God continue healing the rest.

Ahhh... *breathing out*... Its so good to let the weight of it all go. I didn't think I could ever get here... and here I am. I know there will still be sad days, or minutes or whatever, but this is a new year... and I'm SO looking forward to it... i love my Max more than ever and can't wait Max's little brother or sister... whenever God is ready for us to have them... :)

just some thoughts of today... ::

what a day.

2008-12-16T08:29:00.003+11:00

AH! Look outside.... the sun is blazing... beautiful blue skies... green leaves... warm air... summer is here! Welcome, oh welcome beautiful summer. I am so glad you have arrived. I promise to be a sunscreen carrying, fruit eating, bbq loving summer patron.

♥

9 months...

2008-12-02T14:00:00.002+11:00

My little Max has been enjoying heaven for a few days over nine months now. I find myself thinking today... what must it be like... how amazing the sights he must see... my son walking with Jesus knowing nothing but joy and peace, never feeling pain or sorrow.

Something about today, it resounds... the greatness of God. He's protected Max from all the things in this world that could have hurt him or broken him. While I would give anything to love him in my arms, God has got that taken care of and I'm here loving him in my heart. Max is knowing God deeper than I'll ever know him this side of heaven, and while i have my days of brokeness and confusion and hurt, God is doing so much more than I can see. He is truly weaving through Matty's and my life a cord of complete trust in our Saviour.

I've spend a lot of time in the past couple weeks with God trying to letting the pain and the things that are weighing on my heart be worked out by the one who created my heart. I'm still so very much in the middle of that process, but one thing i've learned so far... nothing i've felt or experienced is out of His understanding or reach, no hurt to strong to scare Him away... He sits with me, talks with me... lets me say the things that i don't understand and He LOVES me.

i love our Saviour. Jesus. Emmanuel. Holy Spirit... Father. He is so good.

here's the thing.

2008-11-26T12:45:00.002+11:00

the last week has been a rough one. i wake up in the mornings and feel the weight of the last year. I spend most of the day thinking about it. I think this is a week or so where i'm really beginning to process a lot of what's happened. grief is a funny thing... it comes in so many stages. I sat on the bathroom floor weeping the other night saying to God - i can't take this anymore - i've had enough... i really just hit a wall. the most amazing thing to me about having this relationship with God is that i CAN say those things to Him... i can cry out... grieve... weep and He is there and i know that he is ever understanding and merciful... and every stage of this is under His strong arm... and even when i feel so far He is drawing me in close, tucking me under His wing.

I just felt like i should write today and say... that no matter the feelings in your heart of grief or sorrow or the weight of your situation... God is ok with you expressing these things to Him... and the wrestling with Him, the questions, the unknown, He understands and is so merciful... so good... that He is walking all of it out with us. there is no instant fix... not always a reason or ryhme but there is grace... and peace that surpasses all understanding... that somehow shows up in the middle of a storm...

today i feel like the disciples in the boat... there's this huge storm raging all around... waves crashing, thunder roaring... and Jesus is a little bit silent... sleeping... but i just keep thinking.... i can't forget that one word in His time will quiet the storm... quiet my heart... still my soul... and the word will come...

and i'm up

2008-11-21T08:47:00.006+11:00

its true huh. joy comes in the morning... somehow... someway... (well... its God i know, but i don't understand how it happens)...

spent a lot of time yesterday just listening. waiting. trying to calm my soul. then letting God do it. ha. amazing how just letting go of the hurt and letting Him take it brings rest.

i woke up this morning and peace was so present - a beautiful harbour morning... the water calm... sky blue... and sun shining. i do realise that not every morning after a day of struggle is beautiful and blue... but this morning was. stunning.

i just made a cup of coffee, and i thought on a bit of a random note i'd share that i am officially addicted to soymilk. now i realise that this is way behind the 8 ball compared to everyone else who seems to

have tried it and hated or loved it but none the less decided on one or the other, but I was just taking my time choosing. I was hanging with my good friend Jo tuesday and her beautiful little girl Mia and we took to a coffee shop called "The Avenue" in Mosman... and i had a soy latte... and i reckon it was the best coffee i may have ever had in my life. I loved it so much Wednesday i made a trip across the bridge and enjoyed another... and Jo so generously gave (along with a heap of other things) a box of "bonsoy" (see photo =)

...and i've been using it all week... its amazing. i'm in LOVE with it. apparently she says that its probably the best one... so i'm just sticking with it. i'm not quite soy adventurous enough to try another brand yet.

x x x x

a song plays.

2008-11-20T14:56:00.005+11:00

well, its been a while.

there's lot of things that God is doing ... a lot of decisions we've been making and a lot of things happening that are still to fresh to share. God is true to his word and is restoring although some of these days end up being so trying on my heart.

the song playing is recorded in the roughest way. garage band in my living room. put down 5 minutes after written. generally not a good idea to post these songs to the world. hear my heart in it...

this journey has been raw and real the whole way through. this song was born a few minutes ago as i was sitting on the couch having a good cry... not understanding at all what God is doing right now... having no other option but to listen for the Holy Spirit... wait for His voice... and trust that he's here in my living room... speaking and comforting my broken and needy heart... strengthening me... and for the next few hours, just letting me rest in Him...

STRENGTH OF MY HEART - MAXS SONGS - Jill McCloghry

Have my heart

Take my life

I will not live for myself

For You my Lord

I give my life

Jesus Christ, where I am found

You now mend

And restore

My sight and sound fallen so far

Strength to stand

In You alone

Ever you are in my heart

Joy of the morning

Lover of mercy

You are the Strength of my heart

God of all freedom

Consuming fire

You are the Strength of my heart

Poor and Needy

at your table

Provider, Sustaining Friend

I shall never lack in favor

You are strong in everything

Joy of the morning

Lover of mercy

You are the Strength of my heart

God of all freedom

Consuming fire

You are the Strength of my heart

where to start.

2008-10-29T13:46:00.002+11:00

wow. who knows where the road will go, who knows how long the path will be.

its so easy to start a journey thinking that you know what it will look like... to a degree, maybe not the whole thing, but generally you think that you see what it will turn out like. i think that its partly what we want to see and what God has put in our hearts. the hard part it understanding that God has our lives planned, mapped, knows a word before we speak it, sees us sleeping and eating and working... every moment He knows.

i think that today i'm remembering mostly that God is on our side. He is for us. He is for me.

so matty and i are in the middle of trying for and waiting for our next bub. the road is certainly longer than we expected, though not that long in perspective. i know that others wait longer... it just feels long no matter how you look at it. my heart breaks for the people in our lives and everywhere that have been waiting years to fall pregnant for the first time or again... its such a painful journey.

we're definitely in the middle of it still: right in the midst of it.

we're making some steps toward some things that are in our hearts right now... so there's more on that to come soon. God is doing things in us, prompting us to put our hands to the things that we can do right now in the waiting room....

there's so many emotions involved in this. random days that feel sad and days that are great... and everything in between, but most importantly ... life is still happening all around us... we still have life to do, and do it well.

this entry is a bit random i know...

more to come...

{Looking to the Future}

2008-10-01T12:34:00.002+10:00

Sometimes when the present is seemingly overwhelming all we can do is look to the future. I'm still in this place where the days aren't very easy and understanding fully is so far from my head, where there's not answers, and trusting God costs my heart and yet there is peace that really does surpass all my understanding. I'm not really sure if its just the hurt in my heart burying down deep in these months and my heart really grieving the loss... or grieving it in a different way. Its crazy how life really does go on, and while everyone else has moved on i'm still in this place... to me it hasn't been that long since i held max in my arms and its been ages to everyone else. It sort of feels as though i've been singing a song over and over for months on end.... but i'm looking toward the future... because there is such a great hope...

"See! The winter is past, the rains are over and gone. Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come, the cooing of doves is heard in our land. The fig tree forms its early fruit, the blossoming vines spread their fragrance. Arise, come my darling; my beautiful one, come with me. " Song of Songs 2:11-13

land of the free....

2008-09-14T00:03:00.001+10:00

sitting in florida, home with family.

good times. hot sun. great food. much needed.

{the way home}

2008-08-29T17:01:00.004+10:00

{HOME}

Pronunciation:

\ˈhōm\
Function:: noun
Etymology:: Middle English hom, from Old English hām village, home; akin to Old High German heimšeima family, servants, Sanskrit kṣema habitable, kṣeti he dwells, Greek ktizein to inhabit home, Lithuanian
Date:: before 12th century

1 a: one's place of residence : domicile b: house2: the social unit formed by a family living together3 a: a familiar or usual setting : congenial environment; also : the focus of one's domestic attention <home is where the heart is> b: habitat4 a: a place of origin ; also : one's own country b: headquarters 5: an establishment providing residence and care for people with special needs 6: the objective in various games; especially : home plate

— at home

1: relaxed and comfortable : at ease 2: in harmony with the surroundings3: on familiar ground :

I'm going home. Well, to my other home. Well, to be really specific, one of my 2 other homes. i guess i have three homes. sydney. florida. and the wait to be home with max. there's a LOT of excitement about going to florida. i can't wait to see my dad and mom, my brother and sister (inlaw) and hold and cuddle my neice and nephew. It has been a bit of a rollercoaster ride getting ready... just a tearing away of what it looked like in my heart months ago, the anticipation of taking our newborn max home with us during july and introducing him to our family... and now, clearly it looks different. Our dreams have been re-shaped... it doesn't look quite as i thought it might... and yet, home is still there, we are going, just minus one in our arms thats now in our hearts. its strange to feel such excitement about going to a place and at the very same time such a sadness that we are going with all three of us.

well... just some thoughts.

another thought. God's grace is so big, so great... there's grace for this very moment and the next.

and a verse.
Psalm 91:1
He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall remain stable and fixed under the shadow of the Almighty [Whose power no foe can withstand].

xx

quiet.

2008-08-19T08:49:00.004+10:00

i have begged God. pleaded with Him for the things that are seemingly consuming my heart right now. i've sat before Him in quiet, i've come before him with a shout of praise... and yet most of these last months have been filled with a deafening silence.

not the kind that is empty, but silence that is full of Him and somehow leaves me knowing that He isn't speaking, His prescence in this season is rarely felt tangibly, but i know He's there. i just don't understand. it feels like he should answer me, answer my cries with a roaring thunder, or something... anything... but instead, this quiet. its so hard to describe, because he's so far and still so close. there are times so unexpected when i feel the fire of God in my mouth... the Spirit of God burning within my throat... and then times like today when everything in my is crying out... trying to figure out why he isn't answering my requests with something... anything... and... silence. i don't get it. to be completely honest, parts of me want to give up, to just run and hide somewhere, to close the shades and pull the covers over my head and hide in the darkness for weeks... months... BUT... something in my soul knows that God is speaking in the silence - and the passions so deep within that have tasted and seen that God is good are parched and crying out for this quiet God and anything of His prescence that comes is worth holding out for, waiting for... staying in the light for.

i've done nothing today... and i'm exhausted... my spirit is tired... and i'm warring against all the things in me telling me to give up and lie down and let depression set in... but my soul finds rest in God alone... {psalm 62:1}... my salvation is in Him. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.

from isaiah 40 - the message.

9-11Climb a high mountain, Zion.

You're the preacher of good news.

Raise your voice. Make it good and loud, Jerusalem.

You're the preacher of good news.

Speak loud and clear. Don't be timid!

Tell the cities of Judah,

"Look! Your God!"

Look at him! God, the Master, comes in power,

ready to go into action.

He is going to pay back his enemies

and reward those who have loved him.

Like a shepherd, he will care for his flock,

gathering the lambs in his arms,

Hugging them as he carries them,

leading the nursing ewes to good pasture.

The Creator of All You Can See or Imagine

12-17Who has scooped up the ocean

in his two hands,

or measured the sky between his thumb and little finger,

Who has put all the earth's dirt in one of his baskets,

weighed each mountain and hill?

Who could ever have told God what to do

or taught him his business?

What expert would he have gone to for advice,

what school would he attend to learn justice?

What god do you suppose might have taught him what he knows,

showed him how things work?

Why, the nations are but a drop in a bucket,

a mere smudge on a window.

Watch him sweep up the islands

like so much dust off the floor!

There aren't enough trees in Lebanon

nor enough animals in those vast forests

to furnish adequate fuel and offerings for his worship.

All the nations add up to simply nothing before him—

less than nothing is more like it. A minus.

18-20So who even comes close to being like God?

To whom or what can you compare him?

Some no-god idol? Ridiculous!

It's made in a workshop, cast in bronze,

Given a thin veneer of gold,

and draped with silver filigree.

Or, perhaps someone will select a fine wood—

olive wood, say—that won't rot,

Then hire a woodcarver to make a no-god,

giving special care to its base so it won't tip over!

21-24Have you not been paying attention?

Have you not been listening?

Haven't you heard these stories all your life?

Don't you understand the foundation of all things?

God sits high above the round ball of earth.

The people look like mere ants.

He stretches out the skies like a canvas—

yes, like a tent canvas to live under.

He ignores what all the princes say and do.

The rulers of the earth count for nothing.

Princes and rulers don't amount to much.

Like seeds barely rooted, just sprouted,

They shrivel when God blows on them.

Like flecks of chaff, they're gone with the wind.

25-26"So—who is like me?

Who holds a candle to me?" says The Holy.

Look at the night skies:

Who do you think made all this?

Who marches this army of stars out each night,

counts them off, calls each by name

—so magnificent! so powerful!—

and never overlooks a single one?

27-31Why would you ever complain, O Jacob,

or, whine, Israel, saying,

"God has lost track of me.

He doesn't care what happens to me"?

Don't you know anything? Haven't you been listening?

God doesn't come and go. God lasts.

He's Creator of all you can see or imagine.

He doesn't get tired out, doesn't pause to catch his breath.

And he knows everything, inside and out.

He energizes those who get tired,

gives fresh strength to dropouts.

For even young people tire and drop out,

young folk in their prime stumble and fall.

But those who wait upon God get fresh strength.

They spread their wings and soar like eagles,

They run and don't get tired,

they walk and don't lag behind.

garlic bread in my bag.

2008-08-12T15:56:00.003+10:00

so here's a random story.

i was hanging out with one of my besties yesterday, and at her house she gave me garlic bread to bring back to my house for when i made dinner for all of us later that nite... well... i forgot about it. until this morning. and then i pulled it out... and on the way to drop it in the bin, i got distracted by getting a shower and it ended up on the sink while i got a shower....

thats just weird.

anyhow. on that note... there's something about friends... real ones... that know whats in your heart, that read into your circumstance and remember the things you think that it would be easier not to remember or think about. We're surrounded by them. Friends that remind us that our little max was really here, that he made an impact on not just us, but so many more. I am so beyond thankful for it...

i'm so thankful for friends.

that said... one of our closest friends made this amazing little video for me and it left me feeling so loved and blessed. so i thought i'd post it... and remind us all the importance of the people in our world... and the importance of friends. xoxo

(i think you have to click the tiny video at the bottom to get the music to play, then click the slide screen again if the song goes full screen)

reviewing . . .

2008-08-06T16:58:00.002+10:00

Good evening all: just was reviewing some old and loved books today... and came across these two from C.S. Lewis ... enjoy xx

----

"All that we call human history—money, poverty, ambition, war, prostitution, classes, empires, slavery—[is] the long terrible story of man trying to find something other than God which will make him happy."

----

"The terrible thing, the almost impossible thing, is to hand over your whole self—all your wishes and precautions—to Christ."

----

- C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

---

in my heart.

2008-08-03T19:15:00.002+10:00

there are so many things i know in my head so well that have yet to fully filter down in to my heart. its funny how some days reminds you of that. its not enough to just have knowledge... that only makes you a library... it must be written on our hearts. the word of God, it can't be just notes in a journal, lyrics or melodies in song, but it must be written on our very hearts.

just a thought.

today i'm enjoying amazingly hot weather in asia and missing my matty in sydney. going to be missing summer something fierce come tuesday...

the calm of the next ...rest.

2008-07-30T10:00:00.003+10:00

the amazing thing about having a morning thats hard one day... is knowing that God's mercies are new every morning. have all of my problems been solved or prayers been answered?? no... not yet anyways... BUT... this morning i woke up (ahem... well... i'll just take a side bar and go into a bit more detail... i woke up around now because matty unplugged my phone last night to plug in the heater, i didn't know, my phone died, no alarm, missed a date i had with a friend this morning...and now my phone isn't working for some reason... side bar finished) so ... this morning i woke up late, and just felt peace. even in the middle of all that (waking up late etc etc) Not sad about max, anxious about anything... just peace. i actually slept most of the night, and, felt like i had. i opened up my bible and read this verse:: psalm 62:1 :: my soul finds rest in God alone; He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress and i will never be shaken. 62:6-8:: (he repeats) Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him, He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress , i will not be shaken. my salvation and my honor depend on God; He is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in HIM at all times, o people; pour out your hearts to him for God is our refuge."

so here's to a day of resting in God. soul, spirit and all.

{ the silence of the morning }

2008-07-29T10:00:00.001+10:00

i woke up this morning to silence. after a night of tossing and turning crying out that God would answer these longings... these aches in my heart... here i am again in silence. its not that i think God isn't listen, isn't hurting with my hurt... maybe thats what makes it harder. i started reading in psalms... chapter 69, and this is what i found david saying:

'Save me oh God, for the waters have come up to my neck. I sink in the miry depths where there is no foothold. i have come into the deep waters; the floods engulf me. I am worn out calling for help, my throat is parched. My eyes fail, looking for my God...but i pray to you O Lord, in the time of your favor; in Your great love, l God, answer me with your sure salvation. Rescue me from the mire, do not let me sink; deliver me from those who hate me, from the deep waters. Do not let the floodwaters engulf me or the depths swallow me up or the pit close its mouth over me. Answer me o Lord out of the goodness of your love; in your great mercy turn to me. Do not hide your face from your servant; answer me quickly, for i am in trouble. Come near and rescue me; redeem me because of my foes.... i am in pain and distress; may your salvation o God protect me. I will praise God's name in song and glorify him with thanksgiving. This will please the Lord more than an ox, more than a bull with its horns and hoofs. The poor will see and be glad - you who seek God may your hearts LIVE! The Lord hears the needy and does not depise his captive people. Let heaven and earth praise Him, the seas and all that move in them, for God will save Zion and rebuild the cities of Judah. Then the people will settle there and possess it; the children of his servants will inherit it, and those who love His name will dwell there.'

something about reading a 'man after God's own heart' say that his throat has become parched from calling out for help makes my heart rest. its ok. its ok that i feel like i'm calling and not hearing. in my Spirit i know that this silence is all a part of something God is outworking in my heart that is cultivating and shaping faithfulness, trust ,perserverence and host of other things. i know that it is more than worth it. i know that time passes so much more quickly in retrospect... but in this very moment anger wants to rise up and scream out THIS ISN"T RIGHT... Max should be here with us... i'm crying out with all of me begging, pleading with God to give us another baby... and silence... BUT... i know that God is good. Therefore... i will be the silencer of anger and bitterness and i will praise God's name in song and glorify Him with thanksgiving; and as heaven and earth praise Him i will be praising along with Max our great God who is in heaven... who max is seeing face to face... and who i have yet too. and another day will pass and i WILL see the goodness of God today.

...beautiful story...

2008-07-25T10:00:00.000+10:00

i've been reading a blog lately which has been unexplainably comforting... hope giving... beautiful.

its amazing how God can use stories from all across the world to bring hope and life. This is His church isn't it. All as one, building His kingdom and strengthening the hearts of His people, sometimes through His people.

Amazing.

so to you who watch:: may her story do the same for you:: as i'm sure it will x

her blog::

http://conorbootheandgirls.blogspot.com

the video::

{holding together}

2008-07-24T17:00:00.000+10:00

this verse from colossians has always been one that shut my mouth and opened up my spirit. then i read it again this morning and something broke in me. i read this verse... For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together... and i couldn't help but be floored by the thought, the vision of God creating, knitting together, forming my little max... while he was invisible in my belly, then visible to our eyes, and then gone to glory... completely created for Him, the Glory of God. and HE is before all things, before the creation of Max, and in Him alone everything holds together... my life. my heart. our lives. our hearts. everything. He is holding us and He is holding us together. Reminded again that He is good and strong and we're going to be ok.

=the whole verse=

Colossians 1:15-20

He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. And he is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have the supremacy. For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross.

[ journal ] march 3. 2008

2008-07-22T16:36:00.005+10:00

There are all these things that God was stirring in me, in my heart right after max died. There are things that i don't understand how i was writing out ... truths about God that somehow seemed so much more real than ever before at a time when it seems they would be so much harder to believe. It only makes it so clear to me that in the times when it seems we are being so strong, truly we are weak and the strength of God is fully at hand. Our survival of these dark times is not based on our own adequacy but on the strength and grace of God. The more that i focus on His ability to save... restore.. the more that i can see his strength and restoration...

The purpose of this blog is never to show how strong i seem... but only the grace of God which gives unexplainable strength... not always a pretty journey... but a real one...

from my journal march 3 08. the day of max's funeral.

Today was a day i think you never imagine living through and that you never imagine how you would live through, but here we are on the backside of the day we laid our precious Max to rest and in the midst of such incredible pain and of a broken heart there is peace. The mender of hearts is at work and the presence of God is truly like a warm blanket. I can't believe i can breathe, but somehow each breath goes in and out the way it should, and moment by moment life moves on.

Its so strange to all of the sudden feel this emptiness in my body - to feel one day completely inhabited by another and then the next feel so empty. Its an emptiness impossible to describe unless at one point you've felt its fullness.

I know that right now, God, you are working amazing things out in my heart - stirring up things i never knew existed and strengthening my heart and my hands for the things ahead. There is such a drive and determination and passion in me as never before to run this race and seek your heart and your face. And i believe that surely goodness and mercy will follow matty and i all the days of our lives. God i call our family blessed and i call the generations blessed that follow us. We are a family of life and abundance and this fire has refined and is refining us. The enemy is under our feet and is crushed beneath our heels and he will not have a foothold in any area or place in our lives. i declare and speak our marriage blessed. i thank you God that there is love deeper and stronger than ever conceived. I thankyou God that matty is prosporous and blessed at work - that everything that he puts his hands to is blessed. Thank you God that his memory is strong and wisdom exceeding - that he is integerous and honoured. Thank you God for our children to come, that they are healthy and strong. Thank you God that you see them now and they are blessed and healthy. Thank you that conception is going to be perfect and successful and joyful. You are wonderful God - your works are wonderful and i know that full well. You are our strength and our salvation and we praise you God. Surely the righteous will not be shaken - In our weakness God you are strong. and though my heart and my flesh may fail you are the strength of my heart. Thank you God for my beautiful son max. Thank you God that he was knit so perfectly together - that you formed his every part - from the tiny fingers i held and the little nose i kissed. What a perfect and beautiful creation my God. thank you that there are so many more to come. -

some days.

2008-07-21T08:00:00.000+10:00

Some days just turn out differently than you expect. Some days are still hard for us.

there are still days that i wake up and feel the vacancy of our house. a room that should have a baby sleeping in it. a body that looks like a baby has come and gone and still there isn't one here. a heart that aches for him. you never know when these days will come. the week could have been amazing... the night before great... and all the sudden the grief comes like a ton of bricks.

i honestly don't know what i would do with out Jesus. i don't know how people survive. i heard a pastor speak in a message once about the world saying our faith is just a crutch. he went on to say that he never met a man with a broken leg who wouldn't want a crutch to get around, and how we are all broken people... in need of a crutch... well, you get the idea.

these days when the grief is hardly bearable the only thing i know to do is cry out to God and search out His word... rely on the comfort of the Holy Spirit and rest in Him. so here are some of the scriptures of my today...

Psalm 61. 1-5

Hear my cry, O God.

Listen to my prayer.

From the ends of the earth i call to you

i call as my heart grows faint;

lead me to the rock that is higher than i.

For you have been my refuge

a strong tower against the foe.

I long to dwell in your tent forever

and take refuge in the shelter of your wings.

for you have heard my vows o God

You have given me the heritage of those who fear your name.

Psalm 84. 11-12

For the Lord God is a sun and shield;

the Lord bestows honour and favour;

no good thing does He withhold

from those whose walk is blameless.

O Lord almighty, blessed is the man who trusts in You.

Psalm 86. 1-16a

Hear o Lord and answer me,

for i am poor and needy

guard my life for i am devoted to you

You are my God; save your servant

who trusts you.

Have mercy on me oh Lord

for i call to you all day long.

Bring joy to your servant

for to you oh Lord i life up my soul.

Among the Gods there is no one like you o Lord.

No deeds can compare with yours.

All the nations you have made will come and worship before you oh Lord

they will bring glory to your name.

for you are great and do marvelous deeds

you alone are God.

Teach me your way o Lord

and i will walk in your truth;

give me an undivided heart that i may fear your name

i will praise you, o Lord my God with all my heart;

i will glorify your name forever.

For great is your love toward me;

you have delivered me from the depths of the grave.

the arrogant (the enemy) is attacking me o God;

a band of ruthless men seeks my life -

men without regard for you.

but you O Lord are a compassionate and gracious God

slow to anger abounding in love and faithfulness.

Turn to me oh God and have mercy on me; grant your strength to your servant...

I don't understand. i don't understand why we are walking through this or why it had to be us on this journey... but i do understand that God is SO much bigger than all of it.. and there is unexplainable comfort... unexplainable joy... and Love felt like i've never known in all my life in the midst of it. and somehow i can say, i can believe and i can absolutely know with everything in my heart soul and spirit that God is good. and he has rescued me... is rescuing and restoring even now as my heart feels broken and i write.

God is good.

my love <3

2008-07-19T08:00:00.005+10:00

I'm sitting on the couch next to my bebe. Matthew James McCloghry. Stealth. Matty. Matt. whichever form of the name you shall choose to use.

its him that i love. so here's a thought on love.

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.

--St. Augustine

i'm glad my roots are entwined with his. <3

beautiful

2008-07-18T08:00:00.000+10:00

-keep-loving-

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one. Wrap it around carefully with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket of your selfishness. But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, and irredeemable. The only place outside heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers of love is Hell." - C.S. Lewis The Four Loves

la la latte.

2008-07-17T01:00:00.000+10:00

This morning i woke up and made a coffee... latte to be exact. whole milk... strong espresso. made on the coffee machine that matty bought me for my birthday. ... and its good. nice and hot. no sugar. ahhhhh.

i was thinking this morning about trusting God. After something that we don't understand happens and we choose to trust God, that seems almost to be the intelligent option. When we are completely out of control of our circumstance, when we love God, who else would we trust. - granted that sometimes we may float in the land of 'what just happened' before we get to that conclusion - Anyways, trusting God for the believer should be the natural option after tragedy or unexpected circumstance, but i'm finding that the true trusting is growing as the road that i'm on lengthens. I think part of me was trusting God and waiting for him to put us back on the track that i thought we were on... kind of a 'fix it' mentality if that makes sense. I'm learning that trusting Him means that we trust His plan, not that we had and 'oops' my life isn't what i thought it would be moment and now i'm waiting for you to put me back on my plan for my life, but abandonment to His plan... no matter the waiting... no matter what His timing is... and trusting Him all the way through it.

C.S. Lewis writes " When i lay these questions before God i get no answer. But a rather special sort of 'no answer'. It is not the locked door. It is more like a silent, certainly not uncompassionate, gaze. As thought He shook His head not in refusal but in waiving the question. Like, 'Peace, Child; you don't understand." - from A Grief Observed -

He does understand. So i can drink my coffee, get ready for the day... set out trusting him from the sunrise to the sunset and everywhere in between. ...

== catch up ==

2008-07-16T02:00:00.000+10:00

:: just posting somethings i wrote down a while ago. this one from june 25, 2008 ::

some how i know deep within me that while every part of me aches to have another child... at least to be pregnant... to feel a child growing within me... that God has planned and purposed the exact timing of our next baby. We haven't missed out, fallen behind or lost our dreams. We've just been redirected, placed on a different path than we planned to be on. Whilst the pain of being torn from one place and put in another is still so real... the mending is gentle and the arms of God are strong and sufficient. i can't imagine walking this without God. Everyday i feel the Holy Spirit calling me to get up out of bed, reminding me that i'm going to survive this... to put one foot in front of the other and walk. Thats what doing a journey like this takes... every day choosing to get up out of bed and walk... to put one foot in front of the other and move forward. I've learned that we plan and purpose in our hearts and i believe with everything in me that that is healthy and right, but we have to remember that the Lord orders our steps. While we are planning and purposing the dreams within us, are we remembering that above those dreams God is sovereign. There may be bumps in the road... unjust ones or places we end up that seem in the very fullest sense of the word wrong.... but God is able... He is able to make that which is so wrong, right again. He is able to turn our tragedy into beauty. He truly gives beauty for ashes.

What is our choice? Do we let tragedy hit us and keep us down? Do we sit under the burden of sadness? Or do we let the Hope of salvation renew us again. WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS TRAGEDY IF WE CAN'T LET GOD DO SOMETHING GOOD WITH IT??? I have to ask myself daily... do i know who's attack this was? Satan has come to steal, kill and destroy. This was his plan all along. The tragedy, his doing. Death was never meant for us, it was never in the plan until the enemy came and decieved. So, Do i let him decieve me now? or do i call him out for the liar that he is and stand in the promise of God for Life. Sometimes i want to slap myself in the head and let the truth ring out that Jesus came that we would have LIFE to the fullest. If anything else but that come about I KNOW WHO SENT IT!! so...

i choose to:

>not let the enemy steal my joy any longer

>to say aloud that no weapon formed against me will prosper

>to believe that goodness and mercy are following me and my family all the days of our lives

>walk in truth every day... calling the enemy a liar and Jesus my Lord

>let God turn this tragedy into His triumph.

I want to scream at the top of my lungs - HE IS LORD.... HE HAS THE VICTORY... DEATH WHERE IS YOUR VICTORY - WHERE IS YOUR STING??? - GOD SHOW YOUR POWER AND GLORY IN THIS....

actually... some days i do scream it. Some days i scream... why us? why the first child? why can't You just fix this? Some days the most painful part of knowing the power of God is knowing that He in His might, could have fixed this in one moment... but He chose not too.

There is such a balance in this process of knowing that it is ok to question God... to not understand... to feel angry... and on the other side of that to trust Him enough to rest in his sovereignty and know that he loves me more than and love I've ever known. To know that He knows my pain and carries it with me... and to reverence Him and His power and trust that what He does is right and just and good. AHHH! i'm still working it out.

this rollercoaster... waking up... crying... worshipping and trusting... crying... feeling ok... trusting... crying... being angry... being thankful... missing max... crying... sadness... unexplainable joy.... it is absolutely what it looks... a complete rollercoaster. But in this journey up and down and around again, i see the work of God. Showing me his beauty in the most unexpected of ways.

Yesterday, there was a knock at the door, and the delivery of the most beautiful flowers... roses surrounded by flowers i had never even seen before... the smell absolutely divine... and a little note attached... "we love you" ... from two of our best friends... who while thousands of miles away had so thoughtfully and lovingly remembered that the week was max's due date. These are the things that make my heart melt. The ways God reminds me that he has surrounded me with more love than i could have ever asked for. the best of friends. People that in the middle of their own busy lives know what pain our hearts feel and do something to show their love. i'm so thankful.

::: a summary :::

2008-07-15T10:00:00.000+10:00

i wrote this not long ago in the middle of the night when i couldn't sleep. in my sleeplessness God was working things out in me while i was writing. He does that ...

"its crazy. some days i can't move. some days i feel like my knees

are going to collapse under me. i lay on my face and plead with God

to give us another baby. i totally can see hannah praying in the

temple... looking drunk because of her pain. i know that feeling. i

just never knew what grief like this felt like. i feel like my heart

was ripped in two and God is literally sewing me back together. but

somewhere in the background there's always this constant grace...

peace that i know is trying to burst through in full force if i'll

let it... the calm of God... him saying that its going to be ok...

that His timing is perfect. its a rollercoaster. i'm distressed

completely one minute then the next God has quieted my soul. i feel

like i'm sitting in his lap coming apart. and he's holding me

together. crazy."

maxs story

2008-07-14T10:00:00.000+10:00

I had the first of the mccloghry offspring... Max Kingston McCloghry. On February 27. He was amazing... perfect... little toes and fingers... all put together... woven & spun by the master creator. He just came early. I was only 23 weeks and 5 days pregnant, which is basically 6 months in translated prego lingo, and i went into labour on tuesday really late , i guess really wednesday morning sometime around 1 or 2 am, only i didn’t know i was going into labour so i toughed it out all night thinking it was what they call braxton hicks which are like practice contractions... but they weren’t. i even got up the next morning and went to work, caught the ferry, actually, ran for the ferry because i was running late... i called the midwife and she said just come in just in case, even though she thought it was braxton hicks too. so i caught a ferry back home. got home and realized it was getting really painful... called matty, who called me a cab because he was to far and it would have taken him longer to get home... and i realised it was getting REALLY painful and called and ambulance who arrive in what seemed like and eternity and carried me down the 2 flights of stairs in our apt building and drove me to my hospital which thank God happened to be the closest. they wheeled me straight into labour and delivery where the doctor said the baby was breech (which means he was butt first and not head first - their supposed to be head first) and she said i was 9 cm dialated... you dialate to 10 before having the baby... and i had the baby with in 20 minutes of getting to the hospital. Max was 720gms and 30cm long... ie... almost 1 !/4 lbs and about a foot long.

He was beautiful. As soon as he was born the doctors inflated his lungs and got him stable and let us say hello and then whisked him off to the neonatel ICU. I recovered for as short of time as possible and went over straight away with matty to see him.

He basically was perfectly healthy and growing well in the womb and for some reason just came early. We’re not even sure medically if there’s a reason. We spent from 1205pm midday on the 27 of Feb with him until that night at 1025pm when he went to be with Jesus. We were sitting there and and held him for 2 hours or so while he was still breathing just staring at him and adoring him and the nurse told us there was nothing else they could do, and asked if we wanted to hold him and have her take out his life support and we decided thats what we would do... So i held him and matty held me while my little max took his last breath in our arms.

i’m not sure if there’s any feeling worse than that.

There’s a few things that i know though. I know that God is on the throne. That Jesus is reigning and Ruling and the Holy Spirit is our comfort. I know that GOd is bigger than max’s lungs being to little to breath correctly because He made every bit of his little body. I know that God had/has the power to heal rescue and save. I know that I would rather have what He chooses than anything else. I know that the enemy must restore what he’s taken. I know that God is holding my little max and he’s raised by angels and walking with Jesus and matty and i will see him again and hold him one day. and i know that just as God could have healed Max, little maxy is healed to perfection now walking in heaven in his glorious new little body and God is healing and rescuing me and matty. i know i love God more than ever before, and i trust Him more than ever before and i know that i love my amazing and strong husband more than i knew i could love and person in the world and i love him deeper. and i know there’s many more little bubs to come to our family, and we’ll tell them all about Max and Jesus and Glory.

We believe that what the enemy has intended to break and destroy us and our hearts, God is going to use for good. We believe that our hearts are truly secure and not shaken because we believe in a Holy God who we KNOW loves us. Death was defeated at the cross of Christ and there is Hope beyond what this world sees as the end. This isn’t the end for us, just a road bump until we see our little boy again.

Pray for us because this is a crazy hard time, and we’re just working through it day by day... pray that we’ll have strength and courage to walk back into what life consists of... work and "normal" things that won’t ever be like they were before this...Pray that we will be encouraged and always looking to the Hope that called us before time began.

the video.

2008-07-14T09:30:00.000+10:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZE33ejdgWIY